Bar-B-Q Recipes

by Mr. Bad

1999-06-17 11:19:51

Mr. Bad's List

Hey, folks! With the start of summer, Bar-B-Q season is upon us, and I bet you're looking for recipes for the backyard gourmand. Well, look no further! Here are Mr. Bad's favorites!

• SHISH-KE-BASTARD

  This is for those barbecues where everyone is supposed to bring their own stuff to put on the grill. Of course, if you're like me, you're looking for a free meal, not a free place to cook. So, here's what you need:

  • 6 shish-kebab skewers

  To prepare, cut off chunks of everyone else's meat while they're not looking, and stick them on your skewers. Don't worry: no-one will recognize _their_ Alaskan salmon on _your_ skewers, especially if it's mixed up with steak and sausages and veggie dogs and stuff.

  Put your skewers on the grill, and go get some beer. Ta-da! Insta-mooch meal.

  If you didn't bring shish-kebab skewers... steal those, too!

• I BROUGHT CHIPS

  Another kind of barbecue is the potluck where everyone has to bring something to share. Fuck that noise. Here's a little recipe perfect for the potluck called "I Brought Chips". You'll need:

  • 1 large paper bag

  When you arrive at the door, wave your paper bag around as if you have something in it (NOTE: don't pretend it's heavy -- chips aren't heavy, dumbass!). Say your hellos and then walk over to the table where all the food is, like you're going to unload your bag. When no one's looking, stash your bag under the table -- there's probably a bunch of other ones down there already.

  Now, fill up yer buffet plate and head for a distant corner. If anyone asks what you contributed, say "I brought chips" and wave vaguely toward the table. There's bound to be at least a couple of bags of chips there (NOTE: Don't be specific about which one you brought!).

  Variations on this recipe include "I brought napkins" and the riskier "I brought salad." Try 'em!

• CEREAL KILLER PARTY MIX

  This recipe capitalizes on the great success of Chex party mix... with a little twist!

  You'll need:

  • Several practically empty boxes of cereal (if you're like me, you have a lot of these sitting around in your cupboards)
  • Salt and pepper to taste

  Combine the dregs of all your cereal boxes into a bowl (I prefer Grape Nuts, Fruity Pebbles, and Shredded Wheat, but use what's available). Coat generously with salt and pepper (don't sweat it if they don't stick to the cereal -- it's the thought that counts). Serve room temperature.

• THE MAN WHO CAME TO DINNER

  Here's a recipe perfect for a barbecue in the park on a nice day. You'll need:

  • 1 car
  • 1 free afternoon

  On your free afternoon, drive around your local public parks looking for signs that say "Kathy's Party TURN HERE". NOTE that you should not follow signs that just say "Party" or "BBQ".

  Follow the signs until you smell charring meat. If it's only a couple of people at the BBQ, move on, but if there's a good crowd, park your car and walk up to the nearest group.

  "Hey, where's Kathy? I'm [fake name], a friend from work," you say. They'll point her out to you. Now, STEER CLEAR OF KATHY, and enjoy the party!

  Fun variations include The Woman Who Came To Dinner and The Couple Who Came To Dinner (extremely effective!). NOTE: The Two or More Random Suspicious-Looking Guys Who Came to Dinner has _never_ worked... try splitting up and going to separate parks.

• PARTY GUY COCKTAIL MIX

In front of your so-called real friends you don't necessarily want to be caught up as the cheap chiseling bastard that you really are. So, volunteer to bring cocktails and try this little recipe for those intimate afternoon soirees. You need:

• Everclear
• Jack Daniels
• Tequila
• Fortified Wine
• Tonic water
• Kern's Guava Nectar
• Canned peaches
• Condensed Milk
• Ice
• Flower Petals for garnish

The beauty of this drink is that it's so fruity that it would throw into doubt the manhood of any guy who drank it, but so noxiously alcoholic that the women won't touch it.

To prepare: throw all the shit in a blender. Make a big show about fixing it up and how it takes a skilled hand and how you only make it for your great friends and everything. It can be helpful to call the drink by some offensive name -- I usually use "Pussy Fart," but "Rectal Membrane" can also work to great effect.

Once the blender is done, walk around with the pitcher and wave it under people's noses so they know how dangerous it is. "Who's ready for a Pussy Fart?" says that you're a Good Guy who's always ready to share. Act a little hurt when they refuse.

Once you're sure no one's foolish enough to touch it, you can really have some fun challenging your friends' readiness to "party". Push the guys along in a way that will make them want to have nothing to do with the stuff, like: "This is what _everybody_ drank when I was at Club Med!" Cajole the women, too, but subtly imply that if they drink any they'll end up the victim of a sex crime.

Say loudly that "it's right here if anyone wants some," and then drink all of it yourself. If someone eventually does make the mistake of reaching for the pitcher, grab their and and say that you're going to "make a fresh batch in a few minutes." After the first batch, drink all the alcoholic ingredients yourself, and throw out the fruity stuff.

I hope you enjoy these recipes, and remember to have fun: it's summer, and you deserve it!

oarsman@pigdog.org