Ever since the digitally-remastered Millenium PLATINUM
KERDITIONS of the Star Track movies came out in 1997, the
World Wide Web has been awash with RUMORS and FASCINATING
STORIES about the "prequel" series. I don't care much, but
I wish to capitalize on the fury by releasing some fabulous
tidbits of my own!
I dipped my toe into the prediction-making waters last year, with my
prognostication that Jake Busey would be
tapped for the role of Analkin Skywalker, the Dark Vader who wants to kill
Spock. The studios have been playing their cards close to the vest, but I
believe that there is further news for STAR TRACK fans in the upcoming months,
which you will hear first on PIGDOG JOURNAL!
HAL LINDEN of "Barney Miller" fame has been approached by LucasFilm to
play the part of veteran Jedi BOBA FETT, who will lead the Dai'Jhee faction in
the divisive internecine Clone Wars in Star Track Episode 2. There may be a
side-line plot added at Linden's request, in which Boba Fett seeks treatment
for his blind half-daughter FEENA. Because of the Clone War embargoes he cannot
get her the bio-mechanical prosthetics she needs, but through her strength,
courage, and peculiar outlook on life, Boba Fett learns to love again and to
treasure every one of life's little miracles.
The veteran thespian
team of PAUL WILLIAMS and CHARO will be reprising roles they developed on "The
Love Boat: TOS" in the early eighties as a mismatched married couple -- Charo,
or "Conchita," a party girl who just wants to have fun, and Paul Williams as a
poor but earnest pianist struggling to make it into the big time. In "Star
Track: Episode Two," their characters will come back five years older and
wiser: this time, Williams's character will have achieved the critical and
financial success he once craved, but at the cost of losing his passion for his
craft. Conchita, who has settled down as a wife and mother, tries to revive her
formerly crazy ways, with hilarious results. Then they are blown up by a
The biggest buzz in Hollywood has been the on-again-off-again casting of
"Ally McBeal"'s CALLISTA FLOCKHART as blowsy, scatterbrained Imnay P'tang, a
spaceport prostitute with a heart of gold. Her character has a dark secret: she
is an exiled warlord from the lesbian Amazon planet Snizz, banished from her
homeland for dark crimes of passion.
Negotiations and script edits are still underway, with Flockhart complaining
that P'tang lacks "positive message." Rumor has it that that P'tang will be
required to return to her homeland to raise an Amazon army that will change the
balance in the bloody Clone Wars. Watch for a hot zero-grav GIRL-ON-GIRL sex
scene with the muscle-bound captain of her personal bodyguard, played by veteran
adult film star JANINE LINDEMULLER.
RHEA PERLMAN will play a mysterious alien being of pure
SEXUAL ENERGY who tries to woo Analkin away from his lusty Naboo mistress.
ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL will feature prominently as a young and ambitious
Grand Moff Tarkin (although he's only a Minor Moff in Episode Two) who hitches
his wagon to charismatic Analkin's rising star. Hall's character will
provide much of the non-alien comic relief in Episode Two, as Minor Moff Tarkin
is a riddle enthusiast (Example riddle: "Q: When is a loading bay cover not a
loading bay cover?" "A: When it is ajar (a jar).") He will also reflect much
of the pathos of the Clone Wars as his youthful enthusiasm is squelched by the
horrors of the battlefield. He loses his sense of humor, transforming before
our eyes into the terse, stony Grand Moff of later films, when he watches his
home planet destroyed by a firebomb attack. "Why does sentient being kill
sentient being?" he openly weeps in a heart-rending scene. "That is the true
"There are always two." Yoda's chilling words from Episode One will be
followed up in Episode Two with a star turn of epic proportions. You heard it
here first, folks: Darth Sidious will replace his sidekick Darth Maul, the
tattoo-faced Sith Lord killed by Ewan MacGregor in Episode One with none other
than CAPTAIN CHRISTOPHER PIKE, the tragically maimed captain of the Star Track
Enterprise from the television pilot.
But who to play Captain Pike, in his all-body wheelchair shaped like the hood of
an AMC Pacer? None other than CHRISTOPHER WALKEN! Keep this one under your hats,
folks -- it's going to blow Hollywood WIDE OPEN.
JOHN WILLIAMS's classic scores have seen their last Star
Track films. Episode Two will feature a STAR-STUDDED soundtrack featuring Phil
Collins, Donna Summers, Elton John and Mel C (Scary Spice) of the supergroup
the Spice Girls. Elton John will score a major hit with the first single off
the soundtrack, a plaintive ballad called "There is No Space (Like the Space
Between Our Hearts)" which is featured in the film during a montage sequence as
Analkin, on his way to the Clone Wars, muses on his relationship with the
lovely Queen of Naboo, whom he must leave behind. Also, PUFF DADDY will have
a big hit from the album "II Good II Be IV-gotten: Songs Inspired By Star Track
Episode II." The track, called "Cold Jedi Mack," will top the charts in England
and the US.
Pepsico has been promised a horizontal co-marketing tie-in for Episode II. A
nationwide contest, "Where's Waldo in Star Track Episode II?" will offer
hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash and other fabulous prizes to viewers
who can identify the stripe-capped character in the computer-generated battle
scenes, replete with warbots and Elephant Cannon Brigades. Consumers will also
be able to find instant prize packages under the caps of selected Pepsi and
The biggest surprise of Episode II will be that NATALIE
PORTMAN will -not- reprise her role as the youthful Queen of Planet Naboo.
Instead, JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT will step in as the older and somewhat wiser
Queen of a restored planet whose rule is threatened by the spread among her
people of a fanatical cult called "The Circle." Many explanations have been
floated to justify in the plot the change of actor for the role, including that
Queen Amidala had her mind transfered into a clone body after a disastrous
speeder accident (apparently a common medical practice before the Wars). After
long deliberation, producers have decided not to provide -any- such
explanation. "Mystery and the viewer's imagination have always been part of the
Star Track experience," says one source.