Build Date: Fri Jul 4 02:40:58 2025 UTC
Who knew I could write something longer than a smug one liner.
-- Donkey Hotey
Monkeys Attack Girls School
2002-04-05 11:38:30
In what has become apparently an annual ritual, a pack of ultra fundamentalist Monkeys, incapable of accepting Mankind's rise as the dominate species on the planet, has attacked a girls school in India, in an apparent attempt to thwart the education process with the ultimate goal of toppling our civilization.
The monkeys have successfully destroyed thousands of books and have established a base camp in the school's cafeteria from which they launch their assaults at any student trying to become educated enough to escape the desperate poverty of Indian's lower classes.
What is even scarier is that many of the local town's people believe that the monkeys are sacred, preventing any sort of rational response. Since when are monkeys sacred? That's just bullshit. Cows I can understand... sort of... well, ok, I don't get the whole cow worship thing either. But monkeys? No way. Who would ever pray to a monkey? They'd just laugh at you and then throw shit at you and then laugh some more when you are covered in monkey shit.
I figure that them monkeys must have developed some sort of brain wave zapper technology that makes the locals think that monkeys are holy and monkeys are using these rays against to uneducated masses to hinder any large scale opposition.
If this sounds like some horrible Planet of the Apes movie plot, you're right. I can only surmise that this is a proving ground for some secret monkey cult to develop the means for those stinking poo throwers to take over the world. And I think that they are farther along then we realize. Have you ever seen a picture of our selected president? Doesn't he look like a MonkeyBoy? Doesn't he talk like a MonkeyBoy? Hell, doesn't he act like a MonkeyBoy? Fucking A People, we've had a some sort of super clonenated, artifooical, gene amplified monkey installed as the leader of the most power nation in the world by our Supreme Court. Another group of "people" that I'm now highly suspicious of being more ape then man.
All the pieces are starting to fit into place and I'm telling you, if we don't start fighting back now, we all gonna be monkeys' bitches before long.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It's winter in Idaho, and Boise personality "Lego-Man" reports on how he celebrated Thanksgiving. "I fed my wife, mother and sister wine slurpies!" (More...)
High Availability Guinness Stress Test
All too often we forget the incredible depth of technology behind the weekly ritual of TNiPN@*. We tend to only become aware of the strategy of High Available Guinness (HAG) when it rises to the forefront during a complete and utter venue failure. Yet we should all be super grateful that this system exists. (More...)
Pigdog brings you SETI astronomer Seth Shostak to bring you the truth about Ay-leens (More...)
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)