Build Date: Thu Jan 22 22:10:36 2026 UTC
You can begin with good smart people and an unbound optimism and in no time at all, everything can disintegrate. Threats and blows can fly; men once tame and meek can bloody the faces of friend and stranger. It's pretty fucking cool.
-- Mr. Bad
Monkeys Attack Girls School
2002-04-05 11:38:30
In what has become apparently an annual ritual, a pack of ultra fundamentalist Monkeys, incapable of accepting Mankind's rise as the dominate species on the planet, has attacked a girls school in India, in an apparent attempt to thwart the education process with the ultimate goal of toppling our civilization.
The monkeys have successfully destroyed thousands of books and have established a base camp in the school's cafeteria from which they launch their assaults at any student trying to become educated enough to escape the desperate poverty of Indian's lower classes.
What is even scarier is that many of the local town's people believe that the monkeys are sacred, preventing any sort of rational response. Since when are monkeys sacred? That's just bullshit. Cows I can understand... sort of... well, ok, I don't get the whole cow worship thing either. But monkeys? No way. Who would ever pray to a monkey? They'd just laugh at you and then throw shit at you and then laugh some more when you are covered in monkey shit.
I figure that them monkeys must have developed some sort of brain wave zapper technology that makes the locals think that monkeys are holy and monkeys are using these rays against to uneducated masses to hinder any large scale opposition.
If this sounds like some horrible Planet of the Apes movie plot, you're right. I can only surmise that this is a proving ground for some secret monkey cult to develop the means for those stinking poo throwers to take over the world. And I think that they are farther along then we realize. Have you ever seen a picture of our selected president? Doesn't he look like a MonkeyBoy? Doesn't he talk like a MonkeyBoy? Hell, doesn't he act like a MonkeyBoy? Fucking A People, we've had a some sort of super clonenated, artifooical, gene amplified monkey installed as the leader of the most power nation in the world by our Supreme Court. Another group of "people" that I'm now highly suspicious of being more ape then man.
All the pieces are starting to fit into place and I'm telling you, if we don't start fighting back now, we all gonna be monkeys' bitches before long.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
