Build Date: Sat Feb 24 10:10:20 2024 UTC

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I Pledge Adieu

by Miss Conduct

2002-06-26 16:17:40

A federal appeals court ruled that kids can't recite the Pledge of Allegiance to the United States flag in public schools because the phrase "under God" endorses religion. Hell, we don't need it anymore anyways, now that we can see The Flag stuck to the rear window of every God Fearing SUV that roams This Our Great Nation Land That I Love.

What a grueling process it was to even learn the dang thing. I could NEVER remember which side my heart was on when I was four. I was the tallest, dorkiest kid, just standing there with my doofus left hand below my right breast. There's even a class photo of me attempting to casually glance at my classmate, making certain I didn't have to lay my hand over my heart for the photo. There I am, the tallest four year old on God's Green Earth, towering over the back row with my hand half way up my torso. Why? Why did they even make me do that in the first place? Why, God, Why? And then we had to MEMORIZE a huge poem to recite DAILY. GOD!

I Pledge Allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the Republic
for which it stands,
one Nation under God,
indivisible,
with liberty
and justice
for all.

What a bunch of LONG and confusing WORDS! Thank God no Child Of Mine will ever have to go through THAT. And Thank God that whole inVISible, inDIVISible thing is finally over. Besides, we really shouldn't even hardly be LOOKING at the God Blessed Flag, let alone resting our hands on our hearts and reciting a breathy, romantic poem at it.

I vote we vamp this up a little, too. And For God's Sake, lose that awful JFK 1961 Inaugural Address audio file. I vote we replace it with Dubya's soon-to-be famous "I think we agree, the past is over."

The phrase "one Nation under God" was added by Ike in 1954. If Dubya can dub himself King, surely he can edit the durn Pledge of Allegiance, For The Love Of God. I vote we change it to "one Nation under a Groove" and be done with it. Then, in the future, kids'll get all confused between Bill Clinton and George Clinton during their Historical Holoclass Pop Quiz.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

iambic@pigdog.org

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