Build Date: Sat Feb 15 07:50:20 2025 UTC
Life's too short to go out with RenFaire people.
-- Mr. Bad
Is the Online News Association a PYRAMID SCHEME?!?!
1999-06-24 21:07:24
Haw haw haw! What a bunch of EVIL ASS-SUCKING TWERPS! The Online News Association has got to be the stupidest SCAM I ever did see, now!
You GOT to check out this link. HAR! I'm DYING from this! Apparently some nipple-headed crossover FATBOYS from the OLD MEDIA WORLD are all saddy-sad that their brethren in print and broadcast are always picking on them for being unprofessional. WAAH WAAH WAAH! I AM VERY SAD!
So they started this Online News Association so that nobody would make no fun of them no more and pelt them with rocks and garbage when they're walking home from the National Press Club and stuff.
And now they're gonna band together and work real hard to clean up town and make the Net safe for Responsible Journalism, and all the people who made fun of them will be sorry and bring them ice cream, and they'll go marching arm and arm down the street together towards a BRIGHTER TOMORROW.
Or so they would have you think.
See, I'm not convinced AT ALL. Nobody's stupid enough to think this kind of DOOMED MORON DUMBSHOW is gonna work for even a second, are they? NOBODY. Fuck, what could they possibly DO? Fact-check the ENTIRE FUCKING NET!? I would guess NOT. So what's the real deal here?
As best I can tell, all this ONA thing is is a SCAM to separate shifty-eyed insecure FREELANCE WRITER DIRTBALLS from their sweaty ill-gotten cash. It costs FIFTY SMACKS to join this shadowy lodge of mercenaries, and what do you get for it? ZIPPO. RESUME FILLER for the OTHERWISE UNHIREABLE.
If you wanna real laugheroo, get THIS: you can join at the "founder's level" for SEVENTY-FIVE BUCKS, which counts as half-off of your second-year dues. SECOND YEAR! Does anyone really believe this group's gonna be around in TWO YEARS?! HAR!
Now, don't get me wrong -- I appreciate store-bought credibility as much as the next guy. Hell, I only checked out this link to see if we could buy some for PDJ, after all. But I just don't think this bunch of Rotarians is gonna do anybody any good.
My only disappointment was not seeing Matt Drudge's name on the home page of ONA (sounds like "onan," doesn't it?). This kind of oily freakshow is right up his alley. Oh, well: maybe next scam.
Anyways, as an alternative, here's my standard advice for seedy thread-worn journalists who are wondering what they gotta do to get a job in this town:
Hey, FAT BOYS! Ha ha ha! You need to get HUNGRY again. Lean and cruel, with one ear to the ground at all times, like a Real Pigdog Journalist. Try rubbing down with gasoline and doing 200 pushups and 200 pullups twice a day. Get ANGRY! Drink straight Everclear! Learn a little something about JOURNALISM and maybe someday we'll let you be our COPY BOYS. Muahahahaha!.
And AMEN to that.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
"Gee, I wish I was older."
"So do I." (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
All this talk about death, wakes and Moloch recently has, frankly, got me a little worried. What if I'm next to go? I could slip on a wet banana peel and slam my head against an enormous brass statue at almost any time. I'm not planning well enough for this sort of thing. Who will talk for me when this terrible day comes? (More...)