Build Date: Fri Jul 11 14:42:04 2025 UTC
Never trust a man in a blue trenchcoat; never drive a car when you're dead.
-- Tom Waits
Entertainment Briefs: Kirk Douglas Fete Attracts Near-Record Turnout of Useless Celebrities
1999-12-10 00:51:56
Actor Kirk Douglas, celebrating his 427th birthday by reaffirming his Jewish heritage with a second Bar Mitzvah, attracted a huge turnout of Hollywood scum, vermin and hangers-on to a Los Angeles synagogue yesterday.
Guests in attendance included Ernest Borgnine, Angie Dickinson, Cyd Charisse, Tony Curtis and the horrible Larry King, as well as his four useless sons, including the notorious best friend of Jann Wenner, Michael Douglas.
Douglas, who is still recovering from a 1996 stroke, told the assembled offal humorous stories from throughout his unnaturally long life, and also performed a song-and-dance number in blackface with his sons, according to reliable sources.
Douglas also told a joke about porking Ava Gardner on an empty stomach, which brought inexplicable "laughter and applause" from the assembled grovellers.
In other entertainment news, Barry White is probably going to die soon, and "South Park" creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone have sold out to the Man... again.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Another Spocktail brought to you by the selfless beveratologists of Spock Mountain Research Labs. You do the math, we'll do the SCIENCE! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
This is one for the Ages. Our new signature SMRL drink. We beta tested this several weeks ago at the Goat Brothers B-Day Party. Oh my! (More...)
War on Terror produces excess inventory of doomsday ready laptops
The War on Terror has resulted in a rush of new technology useful to the general population. (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)