Build Date: Fri Jul 11 14:42:04 2025 UTC
Never trust a man in a blue trenchcoat; never drive a car when you're dead.
-- Tom Waits
Entertainment Briefs: Kirk Douglas Fete Attracts Near-Record Turnout of Useless Celebrities
1999-12-10 00:51:56
Actor Kirk Douglas, celebrating his 427th birthday by reaffirming his Jewish heritage with a second Bar Mitzvah, attracted a huge turnout of Hollywood scum, vermin and hangers-on to a Los Angeles synagogue yesterday.
Guests in attendance included Ernest Borgnine, Angie Dickinson, Cyd Charisse, Tony Curtis and the horrible Larry King, as well as his four useless sons, including the notorious best friend of Jann Wenner, Michael Douglas.
Douglas, who is still recovering from a 1996 stroke, told the assembled offal humorous stories from throughout his unnaturally long life, and also performed a song-and-dance number in blackface with his sons, according to reliable sources.
Douglas also told a joke about porking Ava Gardner on an empty stomach, which brought inexplicable "laughter and applause" from the assembled grovellers.
In other entertainment news, Barry White is probably going to die soon, and "South Park" creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone have sold out to the Man... again.
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