Actor Kirk Douglas, celebrating his 427th birthday by reaffirming
his Jewish heritage with a second Bar Mitzvah, attracted a huge
turnout of Hollywood scum, vermin and hangers-on to a Los Angeles
synagogue yesterday.
Guests in attendance included Ernest Borgnine, Angie Dickinson, Cyd Charisse,
Tony Curtis and the horrible Larry King, as well as his four useless sons,
including the notorious best friend of Jann Wenner, Michael Douglas.
Douglas, who is still recovering from a 1996 stroke, told the assembled offal
humorous stories from throughout his unnaturally long life, and also performed
a song-and-dance number in blackface with his sons, according to reliable
sources.
Douglas also told a joke about porking Ava Gardner on an empty stomach, which
brought inexplicable "laughter and applause" from the assembled grovellers.
