Canadia to Return to Normalcy in 2004?

by JRoyale

2002-03-21 00:00:38

Canadia Sucks

As long-suffering readers of the PDJ know, there is something dreadfully wrong with our northern neighbor, Canadia. Most civilized nations would have long ago diagnosed their own cultural paranoia, social malfeasance and general lack of significance, but not Canadia - which as you've probably already guessed - is filled with Canadians. No, Canadians are instead quite proud of their little commune in the tundra and in fact can get down right nasty defending that caribou infested nation.

The crack scientists at the world famous Spock Mountain Research Labs have long searched for a cure for the incredible national dysfunctionality displayed by this one time British lapdog of a colony during our brief breaks on those marathon beverology experiments which we so routinely conduct. Sadly, this mystery has stumped some of the greatest beverologists of all time and SMRL has been unable to concoct an antidote for the disease known worldwide as Eh Syndrome or its official Latin name Eingbay anadiancay.

However, while surfing the web, I happened across an article on CNN that claimed the North Magnetic Pole was leaving Canadia sometime in 2004. Then there was this thunderclap type of epiphany that happens when the truth is finally revealed. Of course, that has to be the answer - the Massive Gaussian fields that Canadians have been subjected to their entire lives must be responsible for all bad things Canadian. Clearly, one would expect a completely nonsensical country to emerge if the entire population is subjected to the electro-magnetic equivalent of going through life with 10 cell phones duct taped to their heads.

And the good news is that scientists expect the North Magnetic Pole to immigrate to Russia beginning sometime in 2004. I don't get this whole pole moving thing, but hey, they're scientists and it is on the Internet, so it must be true.

The bad news, of course, that the pole is moving to Russia and the Russians will soon experience the same magnetic assault that Canadians have long endured. Hopefully, the Russians are made of sterner stuff then Canadians; as images of nuclear-armed Russians behaving like Canadians should send chills down everyone's spine.

In the mean time, before the departure of the North Magnetic Pole, I urge all Canadian to wear tin foil hats to block all those magnetic rays and to start anticipating an era normalcy when Canada will be able to proudly stand amongst the nations of the world.

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oarsman@pigdog.org