Build Date: Mon Feb 2 09:50:10 2026 UTC
Oh, yeah, ok, that well teach me to read pigdog after several Guinnesses.... Err... ok, so I lied... it won't teach me anything
-- Johnnie Royale
Canadia to Return to Normalcy in 2004?
2002-03-21 00:00:38
As long-suffering readers of the PDJ know, there is something dreadfully wrong with our northern neighbor, Canadia. Most civilized nations would have long ago diagnosed their own cultural paranoia, social malfeasance and general lack of significance, but not Canadia - which as you've probably already guessed - is filled with Canadians. No, Canadians are instead quite proud of their little commune in the tundra and in fact can get down right nasty defending that caribou infested nation.
The crack scientists at the world famous Spock Mountain Research Labs have long searched for a cure for the incredible national dysfunctionality displayed by this one time British lapdog of a colony during our brief breaks on those marathon beverology experiments which we so routinely conduct. Sadly, this mystery has stumped some of the greatest beverologists of all time and SMRL has been unable to concoct an antidote for the disease known worldwide as Eh Syndrome or its official Latin name Eingbay anadiancay.
However, while surfing the web, I happened across an article on CNN that claimed the North Magnetic Pole was leaving Canadia sometime in 2004. Then there was this thunderclap type of epiphany that happens when the truth is finally revealed. Of course, that has to be the answer - the Massive Gaussian fields that Canadians have been subjected to their entire lives must be responsible for all bad things Canadian. Clearly, one would expect a completely nonsensical country to emerge if the entire population is subjected to the electro-magnetic equivalent of going through life with 10 cell phones duct taped to their heads.
And the good news is that scientists expect the North Magnetic Pole to immigrate to Russia beginning sometime in 2004. I don't get this whole pole moving thing, but hey, they're scientists and it is on the Internet, so it must be true.
The bad news, of course, that the pole is moving to Russia and the Russians will soon experience the same magnetic assault that Canadians have long endured. Hopefully, the Russians are made of sterner stuff then Canadians; as images of nuclear-armed Russians behaving like Canadians should send chills down everyone's spine.
In the mean time, before the departure of the North Magnetic Pole, I urge all Canadian to wear tin foil hats to block all those magnetic rays and to start anticipating an era normalcy when Canada will be able to proudly stand amongst the nations of the world.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
From the mixed up files of citizen 566-77-0776 (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
Boo-zho-lay for you, Pigdog reader! Another fine Spocktail of the week is available for you. And this week's offering is EXTRA special and fancy, since it celebrates the birthday of Pigdog's own STAR TWINS! (More...)
One of our star reporters was sent to Comdex by his employer. El Destino reports live from the biggest, geekiest trade show in the world. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
