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I Am Not Canadian!
2000-06-05 18:47:08


Canadia Sucks
 
Got tight last night on absinthe. Did knife tricks.
-- Ernest Hemingway

 

By now, everyone and their younger brother have either seen or heard about the infamous and misleading “I Am Canadian” ad put out by the Molson Piss-Water Company. It’s now time that the public know the truth.

In case you’ve forgotten, here’s a quick recap: An unassuming average Joe (named Joe) walks out onto a stage containing nothing but a microphone stand, and a silver screen that a background film is being run on. He explains to an unseen audience that he’s not a lumberjack, doesn’t live in an igloo, or eat blubber and he doesn’t know Mary, Bob, or Suzie, although he’s very sure they’re very nice people.

At this point he launches into a rant reminiscent of a speed freak that’s just done their first morning dime bag. He practically foams at the mouth as he yells about landmass, hockey teams, beavers, and other strange Canadia-type things, and then proudly proclaims that he’s Canadian. This, in turn, has gotten most of Canadia whipped up into a frothing frenzy. What our neighbors to the north apparently don’t realize is that no one thinks of them that way. This is what people think of Alaskans.

So what is the truth? Fact is, most people see Canadians as being unemployed cigarette smuggling frogs, who do it doggy-style while watching hockey games, and have breakfasts consisting of Pepsi & Oreo’s.

But even I have to admit that this is an unfair stereotype. It is fortunate that a radio station has started a campaign to end these misrepresentations. So in the spirit of understanding and cooperation, we would like to aid in spreading of this messsage of goodwill and understanding of our fellow humans to the North. Please watch this brief movie, and share the news.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

tablesalt@pigdog.org


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