Build Date: Mon Sep 9 16:00:09 2024 UTC
The OpenBSD client is faster than Rosie O'Donnell going for a donut.
-- Ratsnatcher
I Am Not Canadian!
2000-06-05 18:47:08
By now, everyone and their younger brother have either seen or heard about the infamous and misleading “I Am Canadian” ad put out by the Molson Piss-Water Company. It’s now time that the public know the truth.
In case you’ve forgotten, here’s a quick recap: An unassuming average Joe (named Joe) walks out onto a stage containing nothing but a microphone stand, and a silver screen that a background film is being run on. He explains to an unseen audience that he’s not a lumberjack, doesn’t live in an igloo, or eat blubber and he doesn’t know Mary, Bob, or Suzie, although he’s very sure they’re very nice people.
At this point he launches into a rant reminiscent of a speed freak that’s just done their first morning dime bag. He practically foams at the mouth as he yells about landmass, hockey teams, beavers, and other strange Canadia-type things, and then proudly proclaims that he’s Canadian. This, in turn, has gotten most of Canadia whipped up into a frothing frenzy. What our neighbors to the north apparently don’t realize is that no one thinks of them that way. This is what people think of Alaskans.
So what is the truth? Fact is, most people see Canadians as being unemployed cigarette smuggling frogs, who do it doggy-style while watching hockey games, and have breakfasts consisting of Pepsi & Oreo’s.
But even I have to admit that this is an unfair stereotype. It is fortunate that a radio station has started a campaign to end these misrepresentations. So in the spirit of understanding and cooperation, we would like to aid in spreading of this messsage of goodwill and understanding of our fellow humans to the North. Please watch this brief movie, and share the news.
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
The Peppermill Is Not Good For You
Paradise lounge on the strip. Expense it, bad boy! (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)
Negative Nancy, touring the gin joints of the world, sent us her latest Spocktail creation, The Inattentive Beachcomber, which she concocted and field tested somewhere in South East Asia. (More...)
High Availability Guinness Stress Test
All too often we forget the incredible depth of technology behind the weekly ritual of TNiPN@*. We tend to only become aware of the strategy of High Available Guinness (HAG) when it rises to the forefront during a complete and utter venue failure. Yet we should all be super grateful that this system exists. (More...)