Build Date: Tue May 12 23:30:06 2026 UTC
I hate the French! Give back our weirdo hillbilly television, you goddamn Frogs!
-- Tjames Madison
Dreary Canadianism Marches On
1999-12-20 03:46:12
The Vancouver Sun is currently running a list of the "Top 100 British Canadians," that "amazing array of visionaries, scoundrels, activists, artists, entrepreneurs, writers, athletes and scientists (who) built British Columbia and gave us an identity." Meanwhile, Americans located south of the Provinces read the list and breathed a hearty sigh of relief that we weren't born Canadian.
A citing of the full list would be pointless, as these people are all Canadians and nobody cares anyway. But a brief scan of the entries provides an illuminating glimpse into the uniquely Canadian psyche:
#2: Bill Reid. "Haida artist." Credited with "resurgence of Northwest Coast Indian Arts."
Keep in mind, that was #2. The Second Most Important British Columbian of the Century.
#6: Bruce Hutchinson. Journalist, author: "Made British Columbians think about what it meant to be Canadians."
Yes. BORING.
#12: Earle Brimley. Poet. "One of Canada's best-known poets."
Other "best-known Canadian poets": "I don't know," "I have no idea," and "What?"
#17: Mungo Martin. Kwakiutl carver, painter, singer, songwriter.
I loved his song, "In the Summertime," but I always thought his last name was "Jerry."
#31: Bryan Adams.
Heh.
#44: Douglas Coupland. Heh heh.
#52: Ben Ginter. Prince George brewer whose "image was on every bottle"... oh Jesus Christ, make it stop. I can't go on anymore. Read the damn list yourself. Never have I seen a larger collection of city managers and highways ministers in my life.
Bad Canadia! No crullers for you!
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Ah, it's that special time of year again. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, crowded, dangerous streets filled with maniac shoppers rushing to the mall to buy Pokemon action figures, and getting hammered at the Xmas party and insulting the boss's hair weave. That's right: it's time to drink heavily and wait out life's little nagging miseries, holiday variety. Pigdog is here to help. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
A Treatise Prepared for the Gallup Organization on the Symbolism of the Scarab
Well dahlings, the response to my new tarot column has been quite overwhelming. I got three whole pieces of mail requesting my arcane insight. One asked why blogs suck so much, and one was a completely incomprehensible tale of bears shitting random numbers in the woods — I am fairly certain it was a cryptographic allegory. Howsomever, only ONE of the inquiries was accompanied by a crisp ten-dollar bill, and so it's the Gallup Organization that will this week reap the benefit of my wicked pack of cards. (More...)
The days are getting longer and, as the man says, the nights are getting HOTTER! Lick your finger, touch your ass and go *Tschssh*, cause the damn SUN is out now! And of course that means it's time for a refreshing Spocktail that meets YOUR NEEDS for a delicious booze cooler at affordable prices. (More...)
Body and Soul, a night of fucking in San Francisco
For the benefit of Pigdog readers, I took it upon myself to explore the deep frontiers of human behavior and attend a saucy festival of the flesh. This was no ordinary fete of carnal delights, dearie. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
