Australian Troops Set for Days of Debauchery to the Tunes of Kylie Minogue
1999-12-19 17:23:25

Pigdog in Cambodia
This is a problem for which a chemical solution exists.
-- Johnnie Royale


This weekend Australian troops in East Timor will be able to put their feet up and push all the images of mass graves and charred remains from their minds as they relax to the giddy melodies of Kylie Minogue - including exclusive unplugged performances in the militia-ravaged and blood-spattered border towns of Balibo and Suai.

On the 20th of December Kylie is flying up to Balibo by Blackhawk helicopter to strum and croon her bunny-sweet lyrics across the sea of surfie hats and wraparound shades that comprises the INTERFET peacekeeping force. Then to Suai, where 200 churchgoers were slaughtered in early September, to entertain INTERFET's garrison there. A game of beach frisbee and swimming will go ahead if enough volunteer sharpshooters are found to keep the saltwater crocs at a distance.

Then to Dili, where the Impossible Princess will have electricity, a bath and an audience of thousands of beer-crazed, sex-deprived professional killers. Backed by John Farnham, Doc Neeson, James Blundell, Gina Jeffreys, The Living End, The Royal Military College Band, the Dili Allstars and presented by your hosts, Roy and HG, Kylie will sing Eartha Kitts' "Santa Baby." If you couldn't get tickets or your bogus UN accreditation got spotted at Dili International, you can still catch it on where it will be broadcast live.

Major General Cosgrove was disturbed in his quarters, putting a bit of spit and polish on his boots, for this interview.

"I've always been a big Kylie fan," the supreme commander of the peacekeeping force in East Timor told Pigdog reporters.

"I was in Kosovo when the new album came out and all the lads threw a big party. We pillaged a keg of BabyCham and danced around our handbags for hours. I'm sure the boys will just love Kylie," he added. "Most of them haven't had a fuck since they got here."

Praise for Kylie's humanitarian initiatives was unbounded on Kylie's fans' gushing Web sites. Several mentioned the merchandise available from Tour of Duty, including hats and T-shirts with a map of East Timor and a picture of an M-60 poking out the door of a helicopter. One Kylie fan, however, had darker pronouncements to make: "There are no Hilton Hotels in Dili," remarked Tinkerbell, and then added, in forceful capitals "The East Timor concert will FAIL!" but gave no explanation. The power-crazed bloodthirsty militia brain Eurico Guterres has known many pseudonyms, but Tinkerbell is not among them, so INTERFET is not taking the veiled threat all that seriously.

Okay, so the troops could do with a break. But what message is this sending to East Timorese refugees in the mountains and those in West Timor? Tired from a long day on fruitless patrol or escorting convoys in the heat, the troops will welcome the chance to pour cold nourishing beer down themselves, but to refugees it may seem that Australian domination of its tiny new northern neighbor has begun. No sooner, refugees may lament, than Indonesia pulls out, taking with them dubious Dangdut bands, than Australia moves in for more cultural rape. Kylie Minogue is not as highly acclaimed as the Master Musicians of Jojouka, yet she has become the new cultural ambassador of Australia in East Timor.

UN Accredited Observer O. Green

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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