This weekend Australian troops in East Timor will be able to put
their feet up and push all the images of mass graves and charred
remains from their minds as they relax to the giddy melodies of Kylie
Minogue - including exclusive unplugged performances in the
militia-ravaged and blood-spattered border towns of Balibo and Suai.
On the 20th of December Kylie is flying up to Balibo by Blackhawk
helicopter to strum and croon her bunny-sweet lyrics across the sea of
surfie hats and wraparound shades that comprises the INTERFET
peacekeeping force. Then to Suai, where 200 churchgoers were
slaughtered in early September, to entertain INTERFET's garrison
there. A game of beach frisbee and swimming will go ahead if enough
volunteer sharpshooters are found to keep the saltwater crocs at a
Then to Dili, where the Impossible Princess will have electricity,
a bath and an audience of thousands of beer-crazed, sex-deprived
professional killers. Backed by John Farnham, Doc Neeson, James
Blundell, Gina Jeffreys, The Living End, The Royal Military College
Band, the Dili Allstars and presented by your hosts, Roy and HG, Kylie
will sing Eartha Kitts' "Santa Baby." If you couldn't get tickets or
your bogus UN accreditation got spotted at Dili International, you can
still catch it on www.5ADFM.com.au where
it will be broadcast live.
Major General Cosgrove was disturbed in his quarters, putting a bit
of spit and polish on his boots, for this interview.
"I've always been a big Kylie fan," the supreme commander of the
peacekeeping force in East Timor told Pigdog reporters.
"I was in Kosovo when the new album came out and all the lads threw
a big party. We pillaged a keg of BabyCham and danced around our
handbags for hours. I'm sure the boys will just love Kylie," he added.
"Most of them haven't had a fuck since they got here."
Praise for Kylie's humanitarian initiatives was unbounded on
Kylie's fans' gushing Web sites. Several mentioned the merchandise
available from Tour of Duty, including hats and T-shirts with a map of
East Timor and a picture of an M-60 poking out the door of a
helicopter. One Kylie fan, however, had darker pronouncements to make:
"There are no Hilton Hotels in Dili," remarked Tinkerbell, and then
added, in forceful capitals "The East Timor concert will FAIL!" but
gave no explanation. The power-crazed bloodthirsty militia brain
Eurico Guterres has known many pseudonyms, but Tinkerbell is not among
them, so INTERFET is not taking the veiled threat all that seriously.
Okay, so the troops could do with a break. But what message is this
sending to East Timorese refugees in the mountains and those in West
Timor? Tired from a long day on fruitless patrol or escorting convoys
in the heat, the troops will welcome the chance to pour cold
nourishing beer down themselves, but to refugees it may seem that
Australian domination of its tiny new northern neighbor has begun. No
sooner, refugees may lament, than Indonesia pulls out, taking with
them dubious Dangdut bands, than Australia moves in for more cultural
rape. Kylie Minogue is not as highly acclaimed as the Master Musicians
of Jojouka, yet she has become the new cultural ambassador of
Australia in East Timor.