Build Date: Fri Aug 8 00:52:04 2025 UTC
It's raining out now. I'd go out and run naked except that I'm in Oakland and I'd probably be arrested.
-- The Compulsive Splicer
Female Sexual Pleasure Outlawed in Alabama
1999-02-17 20:49:00
Those crazy fundamentalist freaks have fucked one too many cousin! In a bill past late last year, Alabama lawfuckers outlawed strip clubs and "items to enhance sex" such as vibrators and even some condoms. The ACLU is suing their slimy backwoods asses for invasion of privacy. They also noticed that Viagra is perfectly legal and paid for by most health insure and that virtually all of the "items" in question are used by (or on) women. Seeing as how, for some women, foreplay is a not an optional part of the sexual situation (in fact some women _only_ get off with a little help from modern technology) this seems more than a little unfair.
This is nothing new. In the 1600s, a Scottish doctor complained in his notes that over half the women in Scotland use dildoes. In the good ol' days that these Alabama idiots want to drag us back to, women went to their doctors to have "hysterical spasms" induced--in other words, their doctors would jill them off so they wouldn't go crazy from bad sex. The vibrator was actually invented 'cause doctors were sick of doing all the work (apparently you can't even pay guys for foreplay). They used to be sold in every women's magazine until they started showing up in pornos and people couldn't pretend that they didn't know what they were really for (shoulder massager my ass).
The real fucking scary part is that this story is a 10 line blurb in the "Oddly Enough" section of Yahoo! News. Wanna guess what page it would be on if some state outlawed Viagra?
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Yet another delicious SPOCKTAIL from the SMRL Beverage Science Labs! Check under the cap for your chance to win thousands of fabulous prizes! (More...)
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
