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Ragged Band of Indomitable Celts Stage Desperate Last Stand Against Hedgehog Imperialists
2002-07-09 17:18:17


Animal Rampage
 
It's raining out now. I'd go out and run naked except that I'm in Oakland and I'd probably be arrested.
-- The Compulsive Splicer

 

In the year of our lord two thousand and two, patriots of Scotland, starving and outnumbered, will charge the Western Isles. They will fight like warrior poets. They will fight like Scotsmen. And win their freedom. From hedgehogs.

"They have caused absolute havoc," stated George Anderson, a representative of the government's Scottish Natural Heritage agency. "It is a tough decision to take but there is no viable alternative." He then smeared wode across his face, threw off his kilt, and added, "Scots, wha hae wi' Wallace bled, Scots wham Bruce has aften led, Welcome to your gory bed, Or to victory!"

The hedgehogs are not native to Scotland's Uist isles; they were introduced in 1974 during the Norman Conquest, under the leadership of King Edward the Longshanks. Some 5,000 of the beasts are currently raping and pillaging the local Snipe, Lapwing, and Dunlin clans, driving the last desperate survivors to take up arms against their brutal hedgehog overlords. The SNH has sworn that all five thousand invaders will be "eradicated" by the native uprising.

While onlookers applaud the bravery and savage glory of the Scottish insurrectionists, many fear "a massacre," predicting that the noble barbarians will spend their lives in vain against the well-coordinated and technologically advanced hedgehog army. Meanwhile, emissaries for the hedgehogs say they'll make an example of the Gaels to any who would resist their dominion. "It's a bit sick," said Anne Jenkins of Britain's Hedgehog Preservation Society. "It gives people ideas and we have to make sure that this is stopped, because we want to prevent this idea catching on."

Off the record, one soldier in the Scottish resistance confirmed that the Scotsmen recognize the odds stacked against them, and are hoping to recruit allies in their struggle. "Three curraghs full of Eire's Red Branch warriors are coming to our aid," he whispered. "Tiocfaidh ar la!"

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

backdraft@pigdog.org


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