Build Date: Thu Mar 5 19:20:09 2026 UTC
i am actually worried that somehow i've accidentally had test-tube babies with people i am possibly genetically RELATED to. hypothetically, would this be a problem?
-- rotten elf
Ragged Band of Indomitable Celts Stage Desperate Last Stand Against Hedgehog Imperialists
2002-07-09 17:18:17
In the year of our lord two thousand and two, patriots of Scotland, starving and outnumbered, will charge the Western Isles. They will fight like warrior poets. They will fight like Scotsmen. And win their freedom. From hedgehogs.
"They have caused absolute havoc," stated George Anderson, a representative of the government's Scottish Natural Heritage agency. "It is a tough decision to take but there is no viable alternative." He then smeared wode across his face, threw off his kilt, and added, "Scots, wha hae wi' Wallace bled, Scots wham Bruce has aften led, Welcome to your gory bed, Or to victory!"
The hedgehogs are not native to Scotland's Uist isles; they were introduced in 1974 during the Norman Conquest, under the leadership of King Edward the Longshanks. Some 5,000 of the beasts are currently raping and pillaging the local Snipe, Lapwing, and Dunlin clans, driving the last desperate survivors to take up arms against their brutal hedgehog overlords. The SNH has sworn that all five thousand invaders will be "eradicated" by the native uprising.
While onlookers applaud the bravery and savage glory of the Scottish insurrectionists, many fear "a massacre," predicting that the noble barbarians will spend their lives in vain against the well-coordinated and technologically advanced hedgehog army. Meanwhile, emissaries for the hedgehogs say they'll make an example of the Gaels to any who would resist their dominion. "It's a bit sick," said Anne Jenkins of Britain's Hedgehog Preservation Society. "It gives people ideas and we have to make sure that this is stopped, because we want to prevent this idea catching on."
Off the record, one soldier in the Scottish resistance confirmed that the Scotsmen recognize the odds stacked against them, and are hoping to recruit allies in their struggle. "Three curraghs full of Eire's Red Branch warriors are coming to our aid," he whispered. "Tiocfaidh ar la!"
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
The days are getting longer and, as the man says, the nights are getting HOTTER! Lick your finger, touch your ass and go *Tschssh*, cause the damn SUN is out now! And of course that means it's time for a refreshing Spocktail that meets YOUR NEEDS for a delicious booze cooler at affordable prices. (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
