The Rev lays it down on leading the Free World and spreading,
uh, oil on the waters and shit.
To a lot of people, politics is a major turn-off. However, that's because
they take it way too seriously. There are plenty of occasions where
politics provides us with surrealistic comedies. One may be coming in
November.
Put aside your initial terror at George W. Bush being elected as your leader
and see the lighter side. Comedy sketch number one: Curious George does
Foreign Policy. For a guy who's so Texocentric and whose idea of brave
foreign outings is limited to Club Med excursions, the prospect of wading
into the Middle East Peace process must be singularly terrifying. Not to
mention that thorny Afghan affair or Kashmir conflict.
Ahh, the Peace Process. It's been Bill Clinton's obsession for eight years.
A lot of people ride him for being hands-on with the ladies, but his lust
for women is nothing compared to his groping of Arafat, Barak, Netanyahu,
Mubarak, et al. during the same period. A humanitarian who absolutely
abhors killing even roaches like the pre-Viagra Bob Dole, Clinton has
frequently put the world on "hold" to guide the eons-warring sides into the
good life where "it's all about the bitches and the E". Granted, his own
inflated ego and shot at the Nobel Peace prize may help power his
humanitarian drive on this issue, but at least it's ego put to good use.
Clinton's intelligence and grasp of the core issues in the process also give
him the respect of the interested parties there.
Now for the Bush angle. The sieve that passes for Bush's gray matter might
just be able to grasp the fact that there are two religions at war there.
Of course, Daddy will recommend the prudent thing: "Get yourself a foreign
policy genius who will make you look great." Paging Baker, James A., party
of one. But the installation of an able foreign policy tsar won't protect
Bush from the inevitable face-to-face meeting with the major players. What
will the pampered poodle have to say to Barak, who barely survived one "no
confidence" vote by the Knesset, and whose current situation is so desperate
that he's suicidally wooing Ariel Sharon into a ruling coalition? Or to
Arafat, the man who once gave the orders to bomb planeloads of badly-dressed
German tourists out of the sky? Given Bush's pathetic use of platitudes
during all three presidential debates, one can easily imagine him giggling,
ala Butthead, as he "Aw shucks" his way through whatever formalities are
required of him.
As for the hands-on finesse of Clinton-forget it. The demise of the Middle
East Peace Process means only one thing to Bush: higher oil prices. Oil
prices on international markets have been skyrocketing on the instability of
the Peace Process, and American oil companies certainly are not immune to
this increase. Bush's clear conflict of interest on this issue will
restrain him from taking any action that could hurt those vital corporate
interests. However, as his debate stance indicates, he'll couch his
inaction in terms of the U.S. not being the world's "nation-builder". Thus,
if we're really lucky, he may not even have to meet with any of the players.
On the first day of Pantygate, the front page of a Tel Aviv daily read: "The
Future of the Peace Process Rests Squarely on the Shoulders of a Woman Who
Spent the Best Summer of Her Life in Washington". Should Bush be elected,
the same daily will probably herald, "The Future of the Peace Process Rests
Squarely on the Shoulders of an Idiot Who Spent the Best Years of His Life
Doing Blow in the Air National Guard".
Not laughing yet? Well, just remember, kiddies, there is such a thing as
"black humor".
