Build Date: Tue Jun 9 06:30:13 2026 UTC
I think I better dance now.
-- Tom Jones
Cattle mutilations are up again
2023-08-11 16:21:32
Six cattle died mysteriously in Texas, with their tongues removed, the hide around one side of their mouths gone and no blood spilled. In two cases, the animals' genitalia and anuses had been removed with a circular cut that the sheriff's office said had been made with the "same precision as the cuts noted around the jaw lines of each cow." This is obviously the work of aliens from another planet.
Cow anuses, tongues, and sex organs are highly-prized alien trophies. They are the alien equivalent of an "I [heart] NY" T-shirt that your cousin from Iowa picked up during her memorable visit to Albany. The one she wears while tearfully recalling the moonlit night standing on the Collar City Bridge staring down at the Hudson River, telling you that this was a peak moment in her life, never to be surpassed.
Aliens are weird that way. They can't get enough of the penises, anuses and tongues. They show them off to their Uncle Glorp and Aunt Xenyzaitalia and say "I made it to Earth! I MADE IT! Look at these COW PARTS I collected when I was there! Aren't they MAGNIFICENT! I AM SOMEBODY! Woo hoo! Look at me everybody! Who's got cow parts? I GOT COW PARTS!"
Aliens are also notoriously cheap bastards. All of these cow parts are available inexpensively in bulk any slaughterhouse in America, but they'll kill a cow and take just the parts they're interested in before spending one sliver of latinum.
Damn ay-leens.
T O P S T O R I E S
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission. (More...)
This is one for the Ages. Our new signature SMRL drink. We beta tested this several weeks ago at the Goat Brothers B-Day Party. Oh my! (More...)
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report? (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
We here at Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL - world leaders in beverage research and leisure technology) have been noting some complaints about a few of the last Spocktails recipes we’ve released to the general public. Some complaints received to barfback and pigdog-l have centered around the opinion that no one in their right minds would make the drink in question much less consume it. (More...)
