Build Date: Fri Apr 4 02:40:45 2025 UTC
I suggest you get very very drunk.
-- Johnnie Royale
Cattle mutilations are up again
2023-08-11 16:21:32
Six cattle died mysteriously in Texas, with their tongues removed, the hide around one side of their mouths gone and no blood spilled. In two cases, the animals' genitalia and anuses had been removed with a circular cut that the sheriff's office said had been made with the "same precision as the cuts noted around the jaw lines of each cow." This is obviously the work of aliens from another planet.
Cow anuses, tongues, and sex organs are highly-prized alien trophies. They are the alien equivalent of an "I [heart] NY" T-shirt that your cousin from Iowa picked up during her memorable visit to Albany. The one she wears while tearfully recalling the moonlit night standing on the Collar City Bridge staring down at the Hudson River, telling you that this was a peak moment in her life, never to be surpassed.
Aliens are weird that way. They can't get enough of the penises, anuses and tongues. They show them off to their Uncle Glorp and Aunt Xenyzaitalia and say "I made it to Earth! I MADE IT! Look at these COW PARTS I collected when I was there! Aren't they MAGNIFICENT! I AM SOMEBODY! Woo hoo! Look at me everybody! Who's got cow parts? I GOT COW PARTS!"
Aliens are also notoriously cheap bastards. All of these cow parts are available inexpensively in bulk any slaughterhouse in America, but they'll kill a cow and take just the parts they're interested in before spending one sliver of latinum.
Damn ay-leens.
T O P S T O R I E S
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
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All this talk about death, wakes and Moloch recently has, frankly, got me a little worried. What if I'm next to go? I could slip on a wet banana peel and slam my head against an enormous brass statue at almost any time. I'm not planning well enough for this sort of thing. Who will talk for me when this terrible day comes? (More...)
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