Build Date: Thu Apr 24 07:20:40 2025 UTC
Everybody has to call me "Bluto" from now on.
-- Mr. Bad
The Ins and Outs of a Very Sucky 2002
2002-03-17 17:49:24
Ever since the Supreme Court selected our current half-wit President, an ill wind has whipped this noble attempt at self-government, straining our will to persevere and chilling our resolve. Large and very duplicitous forces are conspiring to reduce this nation into a bunch of mindless morons, braindead zombies and marketing whores, incapable of anything more then unquestioning obedience to the dictums of our self-anointed rulers. Don't believe me??? Just look at the Ins and Outs of 2002 and tell me things haven't gone from bleak to horrible lately.
|
Out |
In |
| Big, ugly NYC skyscrapers | Giant pits on Wall Street |
| Crash and burn IPOs | DNA body part matching |
| Annoyingly spunky Internet startups with too much cash and no business plan | Soulless multi-nationals with too much cash and a plan for TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION |
| Huge CEO salaries and stock options | Huge CEO salaries and stock options cleverly hidden with accounting tricks |
| Corporate accounting tricks | Better corporate accounting tricks |
| Overt corporate lying, stealing and hypocrisy | New improved corporate lying, stealing and hypocrisy - now with government approved stealth technology |
| Massive military spending | Even more massive military spending |
| Mutual Assured Destruction | Unilateral Assured Destruction of anyone we don't like, guaranteeing our safety. Unless, of course, they have box cutters |
| Balanced budgets - if you ignore little things like future Social Security obligations | Deficits - plus even bigger Social Security funding problems |
| Lesbian Attorney General that obviously had only glanced at US Constitution, but never really read it | Religious nutcase Attorney General that uses the US Constitution for toilet paper and prefers a nation of laws to a nation of people |
| Happy, Gay Nineties | Dull, Dreary and Depressing Oughts |
| War on Drugs | Never ending War on Terrorism and an even more vicious and never ending War on Drugs |
| A President that pretended to care and at least entertained us with his Oval Office sexual escapades | A President that would prefer all the non-rich, non-white folks to leave the country and last had sex sometime during the Reagan era |
| Lip service paid to personal freedoms | National ID cards |
| Free Speech - sometimes | We can't let the terrorists win — so shut up |
| Displaying the flag | Figuring out how to take the damn flag down without the neighbors noticing |
| Personal Computers that can play any software, music or videos the user wishes | Personal Computers that can only use software, music and videos "approved" by corporations |
| Rainbow colored flags | Rainbow colored terrorist alert stoplights |
| Corporate control of politicians with large cash bribes disguised as soft money campaign contributions | Ultra brief suspension of politician bribing while corporate lawyers look for new loopholes |
| White collar criminals stealing Millions and not going to jail | White collar criminals stealing Billions and not going to jail |
| Decades with catchy sounding nicknames | The Oughties |
| Bloodshed in the Middle East | More bloodshed in the Middle East |
| Americans quite happy not knowing where in the hell Afghanistan was | Americans worried as hell about Afghanistan |
| Remnants of the 1st Amendment | Copyright and Commerce Clauses |
| Suck, Feed, Salon, CNN, CNet, Wired, Slashdot, Plastic, FoxNews... | Pigdog Journal |
At least you still got the Pigdog Journal - fighting the "Good" People of the Present so we can have a future.
T O P S T O R I E S
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
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Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
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A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
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The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
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Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
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We here at Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL - world leaders in beverage research and leisure technology) have been noting some complaints about a few of the last Spocktails recipes we’ve released to the general public. Some complaints received to barfback and pigdog-l have centered around the opinion that no one in their right minds would make the drink in question much less consume it. (More...)
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