Build Date: Fri Apr 4 01:20:41 2025 UTC
I don't really think I would enjoy puking up raw tuna -- I'm just exaggerting for comic effect.
-- Daisy
The Ins and Outs of a Very Sucky 2002
2002-03-17 17:49:24
Ever since the Supreme Court selected our current half-wit President, an ill wind has whipped this noble attempt at self-government, straining our will to persevere and chilling our resolve. Large and very duplicitous forces are conspiring to reduce this nation into a bunch of mindless morons, braindead zombies and marketing whores, incapable of anything more then unquestioning obedience to the dictums of our self-anointed rulers. Don't believe me??? Just look at the Ins and Outs of 2002 and tell me things haven't gone from bleak to horrible lately.
Out |
In |
Big, ugly NYC skyscrapers | Giant pits on Wall Street |
Crash and burn IPOs | DNA body part matching |
Annoyingly spunky Internet startups with too much cash and no business plan | Soulless multi-nationals with too much cash and a plan for TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION |
Huge CEO salaries and stock options | Huge CEO salaries and stock options cleverly hidden with accounting tricks |
Corporate accounting tricks | Better corporate accounting tricks |
Overt corporate lying, stealing and hypocrisy | New improved corporate lying, stealing and hypocrisy - now with government approved stealth technology |
Massive military spending | Even more massive military spending |
Mutual Assured Destruction | Unilateral Assured Destruction of anyone we don't like, guaranteeing our safety. Unless, of course, they have box cutters |
Balanced budgets - if you ignore little things like future Social Security obligations | Deficits - plus even bigger Social Security funding problems |
Lesbian Attorney General that obviously had only glanced at US Constitution, but never really read it | Religious nutcase Attorney General that uses the US Constitution for toilet paper and prefers a nation of laws to a nation of people |
Happy, Gay Nineties | Dull, Dreary and Depressing Oughts |
War on Drugs | Never ending War on Terrorism and an even more vicious and never ending War on Drugs |
A President that pretended to care and at least entertained us with his Oval Office sexual escapades | A President that would prefer all the non-rich, non-white folks to leave the country and last had sex sometime during the Reagan era |
Lip service paid to personal freedoms | National ID cards |
Free Speech - sometimes | We can't let the terrorists win — so shut up |
Displaying the flag | Figuring out how to take the damn flag down without the neighbors noticing |
Personal Computers that can play any software, music or videos the user wishes | Personal Computers that can only use software, music and videos "approved" by corporations |
Rainbow colored flags | Rainbow colored terrorist alert stoplights |
Corporate control of politicians with large cash bribes disguised as soft money campaign contributions | Ultra brief suspension of politician bribing while corporate lawyers look for new loopholes |
White collar criminals stealing Millions and not going to jail | White collar criminals stealing Billions and not going to jail |
Decades with catchy sounding nicknames | The Oughties |
Bloodshed in the Middle East | More bloodshed in the Middle East |
Americans quite happy not knowing where in the hell Afghanistan was | Americans worried as hell about Afghanistan |
Remnants of the 1st Amendment | Copyright and Commerce Clauses |
Suck, Feed, Salon, CNN, CNet, Wired, Slashdot, Plastic, FoxNews... | Pigdog Journal |
At least you still got the Pigdog Journal - fighting the "Good" People of the Present so we can have a future.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
What the hell is going on with Sony?
Is anyone else as confused as I am with what's happening with the Sony Playstation network hack? (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life. (More...)