Alright kids, this is the column where you write in with the lurid details of your personal lives, and I put them on the Internet for everyone to snicker at. But also, I give you a free Tarot reading, so there's that.

Well, this being Pigdog's first foray into cartomancy, nobody has actually written in with the lurid details. But this is the Internet! I mean, hell! So I looked around and found some people blathering about their personal lives, and I asked the Tarot about them.

Anon-3189895@craigslist.org, a poster on San Francisco's Craigslist, writes:

Looking for a FEMALE to kick me in the balls — SEVERELY!!!...the title of the posting pretty well sums it up. I'll get on my knees for you, and you just crank me in the nuts and laugh as I fall over in pain. Then I'll get back on my knees, and you'll do it again...

And Siduri divines:

Your card is the Queen of Coins. It is written of this card that "These people...are not particularly intelligent" (Aleister Crowley, The Book of Thoth).

But never mind that. The female you need to find is a sex worker. That's your "queen of coins," my friend. You'll pay for this particular desire in more ways than one, but you're far better off in the hands of a professional.

The cards say you only find happiness when you are transported outside yourself. You struggle to find a greater meaning, a higher purpose, for the crudities and absurdities of material life. And you must cling to this drive, for without it you would be only a drudge confined to a "purely mechanical" existence. However, in the Book of Thoth we find one last caveat for the Queen of Coins: "The general advice is to go forward quietly without overt attack upon existing situations."

So, think carefully before you drag this particular desire out of the realms of fantasy.

John Ashcroft, Attorney General of the United States, asks:

Some have asked whether a civilized nation — a nation of law and not of men — can use the law to defend itself from barbarians and remain civilized...But the call to defend civilization from terrorism resonates from a deeper source than our legal or political institutions. Civilized people — Muslims, Christians and Jews — all understand that the source of freedom and human dignity is the Creator.

And Siduri divines:

Mr. Ashcroft, I drew for you the Prince of Cups — which is also, astrologically speaking, Mr. Bad's card. What a funny old world.

Anyway, this card represents a volatile, catalyzing force — something of great energy and power, in a self-absorbed kind of a way. Crowley says: "He is intensely secret, an artist in all his ways...He is completely without conscience in the ordinary sense of the word...He cares intensely for power, wisdom, and his own aims. He feels no responsibility to others, and although his abilities are so immense, he cannot be relied upon to work in harness."

Now, how could this card of intense individualism possibly serve as an answer to your question? Well, Mr. Ashcroft, perhaps the Magico Mystico Forces From Beyond would like you to think for a second that maybe ALL civilized people DON'T think alike; that our nation of law is also — is foremost — a nation of men; and that our stinking Attorney General should be perfectly fucking happy with our goddamn legal institutions and shouldn't be preaching crapola about any bloody "deeper source."

That's your reading, Mr. Ashcroft. And also, if you're looking for someone to kick you in the nuts, I volunteer.

So! Want a FREE tarot reading of your very own? Mail me your amusing tales of pain and bitterness at siduri@pigdog.org.

hapsburg@pigdog.org