Alright kids, this is the column where you write in with the lurid
details of your personal lives, and I put them on the Internet for
everyone to snicker at. But also, I give you a free Tarot reading, so
Well, this being Pigdog's first foray into cartomancy, nobody has
actually written in with the lurid details. But this is the Internet! I
mean, hell! So I looked around and found some people blathering about
their personal lives, and I asked the Tarot about them.
Anonfirstname.lastname@example.org, a poster on San Francisco's Craigslist, writes:
Looking for a FEMALE to kick me in the balls SEVERELY!!!...the
title of the posting pretty well sums it up. I'll get on my knees for
you, and you just crank me in the nuts and laugh as I fall over in pain.
Then I'll get back on my knees, and you'll do it again...
And Siduri divines:
Your card is the Queen of Coins. It is written of this card that "These
people...are not particularly intelligent" (Aleister Crowley, The
Book of Thoth).
But never mind that. The female you need to find is a sex worker. That's
your "queen of coins," my friend. You'll pay for this particular desire
in more ways than one, but you're far better off in the hands of a
The cards say you only find happiness when you are transported outside
yourself. You struggle to find a greater meaning, a higher purpose, for
the crudities and absurdities of material life. And you must cling to
this drive, for without it you would be only a drudge confined to a
"purely mechanical" existence. However, in the Book of Thoth we find one
last caveat for the Queen of Coins: "The general advice is to go
forward quietly without overt attack upon existing situations."
So, think carefully before you drag this particular desire out of the
realms of fantasy.
John Ashcroft, Attorney General of the United States, asks:
Some have asked whether a civilized nation a nation of law and not
of men can use the law to defend itself from barbarians and remain
civilized...But the call to defend civilization from terrorism resonates
from a deeper source than our legal or political institutions. Civilized
people Muslims, Christians and Jews all understand that the source
of freedom and human dignity is the Creator.
And Siduri divines:
Mr. Ashcroft, I drew for you the Prince of Cups which is also,
astrologically speaking, Mr. Bad's card. What a funny old world.
Anyway, this card represents a volatile, catalyzing force
something of great energy and power, in a self-absorbed kind of a way.
Crowley says: "He is intensely secret, an artist in all his ways...He
is completely without conscience in the ordinary sense of the word...He
cares intensely for power, wisdom, and his own aims. He feels no
responsibility to others, and although his abilities are so immense, he
cannot be relied upon to work in harness."
Now, how could this card of intense individualism possibly serve as an
answer to your question? Well, Mr. Ashcroft, perhaps the Magico Mystico
Forces From Beyond would like you to think for a second that maybe ALL
civilized people DON'T think alike; that our nation of law is also
is foremost a nation of men; and that our stinking
Attorney General should be perfectly fucking happy with our goddamn
legal institutions and shouldn't be preaching crapola about any bloody
That's your reading, Mr. Ashcroft. And also, if you're looking for
someone to kick you in the nuts, I volunteer.
So! Want a FREE tarot reading of your very own? Mail me your amusing
tales of pain and bitterness at email@example.com.