The Impotence of Being Dick

by Reverend CyberSatan

2002-09-10 23:14:35

Crackdown!

Some of you have come to think of Cheney as the Invisible Man, while others of you cannot shake the image of No Hair the Pirate. This naturally depends on whether you want to ask him questions about his Halliburton dealings or if you want to add more viscosity to his already greasy palm. While the debate rages about actual existence of Cheney's heart (say, wasn't that surgery to install rather than repair?), developments in Cheney's apocalyptic cheerleading demonstrate something that Mrs. Cheney has known for years: the li'l Dick hasn't worked since the day Richard Nixon resigned.

Seriously, if Dick was fully functional, as opposed to merely anatomically incorrect, would Cheney really be so desperate? Within months of taking office, he was frantically pushing new coal-burning, natural gas-guzzling, and uranium-spewing power generating facilities on us. He spread domestic terror by feeding us sophistic tales of nation-wide blackouts. Cheney acted like a man possessed by more than simple greed. In fact, it seemed like he was projecting all his worst fatalistic fears on us. How much more obvious does it get? "You will be powerless!" Indeed.

In an October 13, 2000 Hustler interview, Cheney revealed his horror at the realization that his "bullwhip would never crack again."

"Well, you see, it was two years ago and Fred Sparks, the VP of Halliburton's Global Prostitution division talked to me about this twelve year-old he banged while visiting Japan that year. Fred said he'd been out of action for over twenty years, but Viagra brought him back. That got me to thinking, if Viagra gave Bob Dole his soul back, maybe it could help even me.

"But it didn't. The doctors kept upping the dosage, but the only thing I was getting was a sore prostate. I'd hoped this would be the end of my missus getting plowed by the gardener, but no. Ironic, huh? I mean, here I am, about to become the most powerful-er, second most powerful man in the world, and the only thing I can drive up is oil futures!"

Not quite. Following in the footsteps of such other notable flaccid failures as Napoleon Bonaparte and Adolf Hitler, Dick's out to get his bang however he can. Dominating and robbing shareholders in an oil company, as well as chumps dumb enough to actually pay taxes, wasn't enough. Now he has to go out and bring Iraq to its knees by paving the streets of Baghdad with the lowest 25% of our nation's 1995-2002 high school graduating classes.

Don't despair, though. Aside from thinly restoring Cheney's manhood, his invasion of Iraq will give Halliburton a cheaper and more reliable source of Mid-East oil than is currently available from Saudi Arabia. Through all those gushers, the vitality of America's economy will be restored. Once the country is back, li'l Dick will be, too! Or so he thinks. So don't mind the blood from all those combat casualties. It'll all flow straight to the Veep's shriveled salami.

kunst@pigdog.org