Build Date: Wed Sep 3 04:10:21 2025 UTC
I know what a cat thinks. A cat thinks, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Shut up and open that can of food." And, "Everything is mine."
-- Miss Conduct
Ammunition in the Class War
2005-02-10 18:56:03
So, you're lighting some candles (and maybe a fattie) for your niece's second birthday, when all of a sudden you are instantly transported into the last ten minutes of True Romance. Only it's way less fun, because, well, your kids are about to get a cap busted in their baby asses and you don't have Christian Slater there to be So Cool and save the day.
Such is the story of Elizabeth Sauls: mother, American, patriot, Christian, and alleged pot dealer. Holy fuck, I hate cops some times, and when they decide that it's cool to go all Elian Gonzalez on these kids over a little pot, this, dear reader, is EXACTLY is one of those times.
(Well, according to the AP, it was a lot of pot, and not just a little, BUT IT'S STILL JUST FUCKING MARIJUANA. It's not like they thought Emmanuel Goldstein I mean Osama bin Laden was hiding out in there. Holy Christfuckers.)
And please don't think I'm some raging WTO-bashing anarchist because of this opinion. I have friends who are cops, and they're cool as hell. One of them was working narcotics enforcement before he made detective, and he used to regale me with stories of stake-outs and rooftop recon and intelligence work. Just like on TV. The point, of course, it to a) make abso-fucking-lutely sure you have the right guy, and more importantly, b) avoid dangerous, unnecessary confrontations with innocent bystanders. Like, oh, kid-filled birthday parties.
I guess they do things different in Arkansas.
In covering this story, my first thought for a headline was the tried and true, "Free [Insert Victimized Citizen Name]," like this, or this, or this. But I guess there's a silver lining. These fucking po'bucker Arkansas pigs not only failed to reconnoiter the suspect's house, they are also totally in the dark about who's in their own jails. From the AP: "Sauls was arrested on drug charges but was released without bail because the jail was full."
This story has a NoFX extended single written all over it. In fact, here are the Lyrics to The Decline, whence I stole this headline. Read them, then read this story, then shoplift the CD from your local Wal-Mart, then riot. (Not that last thing, I think that's illegal to say.)
Post-script: the captain of the Stupid Brigade down in Little Rock is named Dick. Dick Friend. As in, a friend of dicks. As in, giant cock sucking thug of the state. I swear to God.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It was New Year's Eve and I wanted a signature drink I could hand to my guests. Something that they would accept with no fuss, drink quickly, and then want another. A drink simple enough that I could explain the recipe quickly -- thereby annointing each new guest as a bartender capable of making the drink -- and freeing me to enjoy myself. So I created The MAN-tini... (More...)
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
Ratsnatcher gets HOT HOT HOT in this classic road tale that looks at the steamy underworld of Bay Area Linux advocacy. Loosen your collar for this one! (More...)