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Congress Shocked - Adolescent Abstinence Programs Unable to Prove They Work

by JRoyale

2002-04-24 13:04:28

Congress, used to having the massive programs they fund return piles of documentation proving just how much value the taxpayers are getting for their money, is shocked that no one has been able to prove that the annual 500 million dollars the US spends attempting to brainwash teenagers into not having sex outside marriage is money well spent.

SHOCKED, SHOCKED!!! they are, because all the other federally sponsored programs know how to play the game - they just make whatever shit up Congress wants to hear and then they write a report saying exactly that and deliver it to Congress with all the ruffles and flourishes that hundreds of millions of dollars buys. That makes Congress very happy because they have a huge honking report that covers their asses for spending all that money. It makes the people running the programs being funded happy because they get more funding. And it makes the report writers happy because, while they'd prefer to be writing novels and movie scripts, making up fantasy reports that Congressional aides pretend to read is a much better way to make a living then having to write dialog for a Ron Jeremy porn flick. It is a great game; everybody wins. Well, everybody except the taxpayers, of course.

However, in this case, Congress is starting to become concerned. There is no report to cover their asses for pissing away all this money. And it certainly isn't because the programs aren't trying to make up the facts and figures. The only problem is that the report writers are only so good and even their brand of fiction is unable to twist the numbers that continue to show extremely high rates of teenage sex into any sort of report that can be presented to Congress. I doubt anyone is really surprised by this revelation, as never in all of human history has simply telling teenagers not to have sex done any good.

This is especially true in this age of instant gratification and multi-billion dollar beer ad campaigns that all but prove that buying the right beer leads to sex with super models, and that everyone wants to have sex with super models. How can 1/2 billion dollars of ridiculous and outdated Puritannical beliefs fight that and the hormones that are raging through those perky young bodies and very immature brains?

The answer is, it can't compete. Kids are going to have sex. And there is nothing the US Government and the prudes can do about it. Even countries that stone people for having unapproved sex can't stop Darwinism in action. After all, every one of your great, great, great grandfathers had sex and your great, great, great grandmothers weren't necessarily married to them, you great, great, great bastard, you. That urge to copulate whenever and wherever opportunity presents itself got passed down to you and everyone else that is alive right now. To that I say BEAUJOLAIS... because sex does rock. It is designed to be fun. And there is nothing wrong with sex. You can argue with those statements, but that just means you're doing sex all wrong.

Unfortunately, sex isn't without risk. Something the Puritannical set loves to point out. However, since we can't (and shouldn't) be trying to prevent two consenting people from enjoying each other's company, we should at least try and tell them how to do it safely. Further, I think we should offer them the opportunity to learn how to do it right, because after all there is sex and there is great sex. And life is just too damn short not to have great sex. So I think that all high schools should offer advanced sexual studies where topics like cunnilingus and fellatio are taught and the intricacies and nuances of anal fisting are explained. That is after all what education is all about.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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