Build Date: Tue Jan 14 23:10:14 2025 UTC
I think I better dance now.
-- Tom Jones
Sex Crimes of the X-Men
2001-11-24 02:25:25
"Gee, I wish I was older."
"So do I."
A smooth-talking Russian holds a fourteen-year-old girl in his arms. He kisses her passionately -- then clasps her against his body. "When you're doomed, what's the point of playing by society's stupid rules?!" she asks.
That's from issue #165 of The Uncanny X-Men comic book. The male speaker is "Peter Rasputin," a Russian he-man whose superpower is a body that turns instantly into rigid steel. And the female is "Kitty Pryde". Who, remember, is fourteen.
So "Kitty" has had a bad dream, and she cries out in the night. In the very next panel "Peter" is there -- in her bedroom -- wrapping his arms around her tender body and comforting her. "Do not fear," he coos, "it is all right. I am here. I will protect you. Shhhhh, there's a girl...." After expressing his wish that she weren't underaged, Kitty asks him if he's toying with her. "I have never been more serious," he answers -- and then commences some lusty lip-lock.
All right, look, I'm no comic book fan-boy. An art school drop-out is just staying with me for a few weeks, and I found the issue in his box of old comic books. It's from January of 1983, and the art school drop-out assures me there's nothing unusual about its editorial staff. (Marvel writer Chris Claremont, editor Louise Jones, and editor-in-chief Jim Shooter, if those names actually mean anything to you.) So what exactly is going on here? What's with the "forbidden love" theme? I mean, the comic book friggin' specifies that she's fourteen just a few pages before. Did they really mean for this randy Russian to be macking on her?
I asked another long-time comic book fan, who at first stammered out rationalizing protests like "Maybe the age of consent is different in Russia!" But after some thought, he pointed out an intriguing bit of comic book history. "Marvel at the time wouldn't allow ANY reference to homosexuality, but apparently accepted Piotr and Kitty railing against (presumably American) society's clear laws against statutory rape."
Peter Rasputin: "This is not the proper time or place."
Kitty Pryde: "We may never get another chance."
Hmmm.....
This whole stroll through comic book nostalgia is making me a bit uncomfortable -- like that cover photo on a "Rifleman" comic book about a "mysterious bag" holding the secret to an outlaw's past.
I mean, granted, in this issue of the X-Men the Russian character was only 19 years old himself, my comic book-loving friend points out, but then again -- "this little fantasy of 14-year-old love wasn't written by a 19-year-old..." I tried searching the net for more information, but all I found was this home-drawn image where Kitty Pryde has enormous breasts.
An internet FAQ for the X-Men comic books does have a long section about the age of Kitty Pryde, including talk about "retroactive continuity" -- Marvel's writers allegedly keeping Kitty's character underaged to squelch rumors that she was sexually active. And elsewhere there's even some depressing fan fiction about Kitty Pryde giving birth.
But in the absence of a clear statement about the writer's intentions, there's no point in speculating. If you think too much about this, every panel in X-Men #165 suddenly seems to take on an additional leering double meaning.
"Is this MORE ACTION than even SPIDER-MAN can HANDLE?!?!?!"
Er, sorry -- that's from an ad for Atari's Spiderman video game in the same issue. But you get the idea.
Click on the picture of
the doomed lovers
to read the entire page.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
This is one for the Ages. Our new signature SMRL drink. We beta tested this several weeks ago at the Goat Brothers B-Day Party. Oh my! (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
