Build Date: Mon Oct 13 15:40:16 2025 UTC
I speak five languages. But it doesn't matter, because nobody understands what the hell I'm talking about.
-- Charo
Sex Crimes of the X-Men
2001-11-24 02:25:25
"Gee, I wish I was older."
"So do I."
A smooth-talking Russian holds a fourteen-year-old girl in his arms. He kisses her passionately -- then clasps her against his body. "When you're doomed, what's the point of playing by society's stupid rules?!" she asks.
That's from issue #165 of The Uncanny X-Men comic book. The male speaker is "Peter Rasputin," a Russian he-man whose superpower is a body that turns instantly into rigid steel. And the female is "Kitty Pryde". Who, remember, is fourteen.
So "Kitty" has had a bad dream, and she cries out in the night. In the very next panel "Peter" is there -- in her bedroom -- wrapping his arms around her tender body and comforting her. "Do not fear," he coos, "it is all right. I am here. I will protect you. Shhhhh, there's a girl...." After expressing his wish that she weren't underaged, Kitty asks him if he's toying with her. "I have never been more serious," he answers -- and then commences some lusty lip-lock.
All right, look, I'm no comic book fan-boy. An art school drop-out is just staying with me for a few weeks, and I found the issue in his box of old comic books. It's from January of 1983, and the art school drop-out assures me there's nothing unusual about its editorial staff. (Marvel writer Chris Claremont, editor Louise Jones, and editor-in-chief Jim Shooter, if those names actually mean anything to you.) So what exactly is going on here? What's with the "forbidden love" theme? I mean, the comic book friggin' specifies that she's fourteen just a few pages before. Did they really mean for this randy Russian to be macking on her?
I asked another long-time comic book fan, who at first stammered out rationalizing protests like "Maybe the age of consent is different in Russia!" But after some thought, he pointed out an intriguing bit of comic book history. "Marvel at the time wouldn't allow ANY reference to homosexuality, but apparently accepted Piotr and Kitty railing against (presumably American) society's clear laws against statutory rape."
Peter Rasputin: "This is not the proper time or place."
Kitty Pryde: "We may never get another chance."
Hmmm.....
This whole stroll through comic book nostalgia is making me a bit uncomfortable -- like that cover photo on a "Rifleman" comic book about a "mysterious bag" holding the secret to an outlaw's past.
I mean, granted, in this issue of the X-Men the Russian character was only 19 years old himself, my comic book-loving friend points out, but then again -- "this little fantasy of 14-year-old love wasn't written by a 19-year-old..." I tried searching the net for more information, but all I found was this home-drawn image where Kitty Pryde has enormous breasts.
An internet FAQ for the X-Men comic books does have a long section about the age of Kitty Pryde, including talk about "retroactive continuity" -- Marvel's writers allegedly keeping Kitty's character underaged to squelch rumors that she was sexually active. And elsewhere there's even some depressing fan fiction about Kitty Pryde giving birth.
But in the absence of a clear statement about the writer's intentions, there's no point in speculating. If you think too much about this, every panel in X-Men #165 suddenly seems to take on an additional leering double meaning.
"Is this MORE ACTION than even SPIDER-MAN can HANDLE?!?!?!"
Er, sorry -- that's from an ad for Atari's Spiderman video game in the same issue. But you get the idea.
Click on the picture of
the doomed lovers
to read the entire page.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
Owner of 6 Medical Marijuana Dispensaries Arrested
Reefer madness or a government fabrication? (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Canadians Not So Different After All
Nobody wants to be prejudiced. But sometimes you can be biased and not even realize it. I think many Americans are biased in this way against Canadians. I never really stopped to think about it, but I myself used to be this way. I guess I thought that Canadians were "stuck-up" — you know, smarter and better cultured than us. But then I got educated about Canadia. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
