Build Date: Fri Mar 1 09:50:09 2024 UTC

Subtlety is not one of my virtues.
-- Johnnie Royale

Crackmonkey

This is just a line of text not written by Flesh.

Pigdog Journal Articles

2003-01-31

The TRUTH about September 11 EXPOSED!
For nearly a year and a half, people around the world have taken it on faith that the Sept 11 attacks on the United States were perpetrated by Saudi terrorists under the direction of one Osama bin Laden. Only now does the power of the Internet allow the necessary research to be completed, proving once and for all that Sept 11 was perpetrated by the only nation more evil than the Dutch: Canadia!

2001-11-04

Fight board-game hegemony!
52 cards and a copy of Hoyle can keep a handful of sex-starved shipmates docile for days on end before they degenerate to strip poker. With that in mind, the intellectual freedom posse give you the "piecepack" in the hopes that it will do for board games what the standard 52-card deck does for card games.

2001-09-12

Diary of a Spectator
We know now that in the early years of the twenty-first century this nation was being watched closely by groups more vicious than ours and yet as mortal as our own. Organizations vast, cool and unsympathetic, regarded this country with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us. In the first year of the twenty-first century came the great disillusionment.

2001-08-09

Canadian Poison Wieners
So far our nation has been safe from wiener imports from the Socialist regime to the North, but recent developments in the Red Leaf Empire have unveiled secretive chemical weapons tests being conducted on Canadia's unsuspecting citizens!

2001-06-09

Fun and Flames at Survival Research Labs
Our intrepid reporter and gonzo journalist, CrackMonkey, went to the Survival Research Labs and artcar demolition derby in San Francisco last night and got demolished. He filed this report which we now post for posterity here in the Pigdog Journal, where Bad People of Future stay informed.

2001-05-28

Allons-y! Let's go to Mars!
For the past decade, we have pined for the Red Planet. But we lack the necessary Cold War impetus to drive us there. Our Capitalistic state now considers the cost to be far too egregious, but another totalitarian socialist regime has seen fit to plan a mission to Mars -- Canadia!

2000-10-03

Cookin' Up a Filipino Box Spring Ogg
Passed samizdat from hacker to hacker for the past eight years, the Lambda Expressway is a surreal tale in the spirit of The Phantom Tollbooth. Originally a series of cassette tape letters recorded on a basement 4-track mixer, it has spawned a MUD, a written edition, and at least one sequel. Now, thanks to the freedom-loving peoples of Ogg, you can hear it on your own computer.

2000-05-19

The Sordid World of Underground Origami
For most people, the word "origami" conjures up images of paper boxes, cranes, and squirrels. This is because most people have not met Zack Brown, the archivist mastermind behind the largest collection of obscene origami on the Net. Brown's page shows you how to fold simple pieces of paper into shapes that could get your hands cut off in most oppressive American States!

2000-02-21

Making Junk Mail Work For You
Although my e-mail inbox is regularly filled with unsolicited messages selling APL Compilers, Dutch pastry recipes, and Czech get-rich-quick schemes, my postal mailbox is full of even more nefarious spam. Here's how I deal with it.

2000-02-21

Ave Cletus! We Who Hoedown Salute You!
The appalling state of education in this country never ceases to amaze me. Only recently in an informal office poll did I learn that NO ONE has heard of the greatest of rulers: Cletus Porcinus, the Slack-Jawed Emperor of Rome.

1999-10-08

LOSCON, or, Travels with Rick Moen
Crackmonkey travels to an LA SF convention and does unspeakable acts of cruelty to goths and Mac freaks. Rick Moen heavily featured.

1999-07-28

Tamagothi -- The Tamagotchi for Goths!
So I always used to see these mimes hanging out at the ice cream parlor on Third and Market here in San Francisco. The'd be dressed in their black clothes and their white face makeup and they'd just sit around and make dramatic gestures and never say anything. Then someone told me that they were goths!

1999-01-04

American Hooch Technology Catching Up!
Well, it would seem that my predictions as to the future strategic importance of alcohol in the technology arena are coming true. Manhattan Scientifics Inc. has finally perfected what the Canadians have had for decades: fuel-grade booze!

1998-12-30

Canadistas Talk SMACK!!
Our team of sooper seekret reconnaissance agents here at the Pigdog Sooper Seekret Canadia Reconnaissance Team have discovered the main cell of the Canadista uprising! The smarmy Canucks have even gone so far as to leave their plans up for public view, and we bring you this information in the hopes that it may save red-blooded American lives!

1998-12-20

Free Monkeys!!!
There's an old saying that says, "If you can't get them to laugh with a monkey, then, man, you should get out of the business." With that in mind, we offer you the latest in Web scams: the FREE MONKEY Web site.

Offsite links shared by the author

1999-06-29

OSI - it's for Pigs!
The Open Source Initiative has finally decided to branch off into other realms! For instance, this site will show you the best in Canadista Back-Bacon production!

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