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Identity is what Pigdog slaps on you with a white-hot branding iron
-- Flesh


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Pigdog Journal Articles


The Cross Canadian Ragweed Red Dirt Roundup
Went to one of the only really enjoyable outdoor concerts I can remember (maybe I didn't enjoy it enough). The finest in dirty hillbilly music: The Cross Canadian Ragweed Red Dirt Roundup. For those ignorants, Cross Canadian Ragweed is a horrendous allergan in Texas, and it's also a band. In a great show of humility, CCR was the worst major act in their line up. Fortunately, they have talented friends. -- Steve Dallas, Esq.


Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together
Punk rock. Hillbillies. From Brazil. I'm not exactly sure what else needs to be said here. -- Tjames Madison


Elvis sees Stalin's face
Elvis had a vision during a cross-country road trip in 1964. Driving to Hollywood from his Tennessee Graceland mansion, Elvis looked into the clouds and saw the face of Stalin. -- El Destino


Me No Fear The Reaper
It's like skunkbait for Massively Cool Dudes with Awesome Mini Trucks and way bitchin' mullets, an instant portal into the pinhead dimension and an easy mark for "Calvin Pissing on..." sticker collecters. It, like, totally, like, sums up the total, like, way you approach your life: NO FEAR, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! -- Tjames Madison


Rollin' Phillies, Actin' Silly, Cyberbillies
Man, it's a well-known fact that booming techno-techno is the official music of Bad People of the Future and shit. Like, when diamond-crystal symbiots land on PLANET Q13 in the Booga Galaxy and shit, it's obvious that they will be playing some dope-ass goa on their 12-dimensional CD player and stuff. But, at the same time, these cyberbillies are giving techno a run for its money, what with all their "old-timey" music. Beaujolais for that! -- Mr. Bad


Ave Cletus! We Who Hoedown Salute You!
The appalling state of education in this country never ceases to amaze me. Only recently in an informal office poll did I learn that NO ONE has heard of the greatest of rulers: Cletus Porcinus, the Slack-Jawed Emperor of Rome. -- Crackmonkey


Jethro Bodine is Shithouse Crazy
Dear holy FUCKANAUTS! Max Baer, the big lughead who played JETHRO BODINE in the hit series "Beverly Hillbillies" is building him a GIGANTIC CASINO in the sick, bitter little dessicated city of Reno, Nevada. It's gonna be TOTALLY SIDEWAYS! With BLACKJACK and HILLBILLIES! Gah! -- Mr. Bad


Big Stills! Weehaw!
I have never been a big proponent of e-commerce in any way, shape or form. OK, well, actually, I like buying gray-market drugs on the Internet. And cyberporn. But besides, that, e-commerce blows. At least, that's what I thought until I saw COOLIO BOOZE STILLS! -- Mr. Bad


Would you people just stop making sites like these now, please?
You know how Hamster Dance showed up one day, probably in your inbox with a note attached that said "DOOD U HAV GOT 2 CHEK THIS OUT!!!11"? And then you looked at it and felt nothing but pity and contempt for people who thought it was, like, really funny? And THEN, like 8 million dumbasses all over the world thought it would be even FUNNIER to replace "dancing hamster" with "dancing other thing," like Herve Villichaize, so now there are 8 MILLION DANCING WHATEVER PAGES ON THE WORLD WIDE SQUIRREL? Are you following me? OK. Those people have to stop what they're doing. Right now. -- Tjames Madison


Sunday Bests Fer Cyberbillies
Yall liss'n here. evary now an' then a true cyberbilly will havta atten' an occasion in his best clothes. summa these events will requar wearin a tie. So what kin' of tie will say "I'm a cyberbilly an' proud of it"? One covard in infectious diseases! Ya reckon? -- Flesh


The URLs of Home
So tha folks saw yr tappin' away at the codin' box, and reckoned you'd make more possum hides if you threw all yr meager belongins' on tha truck and hauled yr ass to Sili-kon Valleee. And they were right: you've made out better than Cotton Eye Joe! But, as the old song goes, you got what you wanted but lost what ya had. -- Patient Joab

1999-08-25 Opens Its Doors...
Fella, yo' eatin' enough meat? ah's gonna tale yo' about Meathenge. Thays got this hyar hillbilly fella named of a Mr. Biggles. See, thet fella likes t'burn meats up on whutevah grill yo' an' me an' he kin git fired up. It's real fine now. Especially, he liken them pigs. An' nobody kin stop him! Fry mah hide! -- El Snatcher


Damn! Them's Some Damn Fine Icons, Jed.
Say your name is Jed Sanders. You've got a webpage, but you ain't got nuthin' t' put on it. You tryed to drawer sum, but th' pencil kep snappin' on yer monitor. Whut you gonna do? -- Tjames Madison


Here's to incest, gas drinkin' and firearms!
One of the bloodiest chapters in the history of the United States is the feud between the Hatfields and McCoys. Innocent lives on both sides were needlessly lost, in what turned out to be mostly due to a greedy lawyer with an eye for real estate. But when you find yourself being pelted with lemons, you should try to make some lemonade, which is what the people of Pikeville, KY did. On the very grounds where this infamous chapter of was written, they now hold Hillbilly Days! -- Flesh


Touch-Tone Hillbilly Terrorism
Check out these FREAKS who call people up on the phone and pretend to be RETARDED HILLBILLIES (Why didn't I think of that??). My sides hurt from laughing so hard. These are some bad, bad people. -- El Snatcher


Columbine Tragedy Takes Turn for Worse
Picture this: it's a benefit concert. It stars Lynyrd Skynyrd. It's a memorial for Columbine massacre victims. It will be beamed live to all Wal-Mart stores in the country. You can pinch yourself, but you won't wake up; once you start screaming, you might not be able to stop... in the Twilight Zone. -- Tjames Madison


Dear Jesus, Take My Wife... Please
Here's something you don't get enough of on the web; a whole site apparently devoted to the sorts of "inspirational" stories and poems you normally find in the back pages of TRUE STORY magazine and the intermittent Ann Landers column on a day when Ann is feeling really lazy. -- Tjames Madison


Shrine to the Stars
There's a bunch of people up in the hills of Vermont who build their own telescopes so they can look at the stars. If that's not genuine cyberbilly, I don't know what is. -- The Compulsive Splicer


Lego Nut Buys Car
Defending Boise as "Mayberry for computer geeks," noted Boise personality "Lego-Man" recently purchased a 1969 BMW his brother spotted "sitting out in the farmer's back forty." -- El Destino


Cyberbilly, Discovery of
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. -- binky


Escape to Spock Mountain!
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. -- Baron Earl

Offsite links shared by staff writers


Elvis is alive -- El Destino




Flatt and Scruggs! -- Mr. Bad



Learn to make meat black and smoky
Want to learn to make dead flesh all black and smoky, with the vital juices gooshing around inside? Then you should view this Cyberbilly meat-maker tutorial! -- Mr. Bad



Wall Drug!
Hey! It's that place with the bumper stickers. I wonder if The Mystery Spot has a Web site. -- Mr. Bad


Crazy-ass Japanese cyberbillies create cheap knockoff ROBOT DOGS in imitation of Spock Mountain Research Labs! -- Mr. Bad

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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