Build Date: Tue Oct 22 17:50:15 2024 UTC
I'd like a bumper sticker that says "Pillage Globally, Profit Locally."
-- Trevor 'Fuckhead' Johnson
Body and Soul, a night of fucking in San Francisco
2000-11-12 23:46:37
For the benefit of Pigdog readers, I took it upon myself to explore the deep frontiers of human behavior and attend a saucy festival of the flesh. This was no ordinary fete of carnal delights, dearie.
Recently, a friend of mind invited me to a sex party. It was an invitation I knew was inevitable, and perhaps undeclinable.
"It's often the case that you end up not having sex," he said.
The scary thing is, he was right.
Taking from the German school of soft porn, a "sex party" aludes to swirling Jaegermeister cocktails nervously up to the point where everybody winds up in, on or below the sack.
Images of badly decorated swingers dens filled mind when mulling over the invitation.
My friend assured me this venue would be "creep free and consensual." To weed out the pervoids, one may attend only with a regular attendee who has proven themselves to be rule-abiding and not creepy. Upon entering the party, I was handed an affidavit to sign. "No means no" and "safe sex only" were the basic laws of the land. Monitors inspected carnal acts for signs of unsafe practices. Lube and rubbers were always within reach.
In the changing room, I slipped into something more comfortable, stored my belongings and was assured by my compatriots that I wouldn't be left to the vulchers. In other words, I was safer here than in any bar or free-for-all party. If I did consent to anything, the basic tenant is that only what I would agree to would happen. What I didn't agree too, certainly wouldn't.
First stop, the kitchen. A safe destination. No drugs. No booze, not even an energy drink in sight. Just punch, veggies n' dip and other snacks. Healthy and sober.
In the living room, a small group of individuals in bathrobes, lingerie or nothing at all were watching video porn depicting a group of well-hung boys popping a champagne cork. Scantily clad patrons were greeting each other warmly, obviously familiar from past parties.Conversations ranged from election mayhem to holiday plans. Here, there were no secret agendas and no pretenses or expectations.
So far, no sex. That is, until another door opened.
Hot and steamy with strange carnival sounds oozing out of invisible speakers, my eyes adjusted to the dimmed lighting. Smacks of whipping devices alternated rhythmically with soft moans and high-note cries. The playground hosted various scenes, providing a public glimpse of the vast and unlimited sexual frontier.
Men and women of all shapes, sizes and generations (and I mean that) united in a grand subversion of the Mediated Belief (TM) that sex is only for the young, beautiful and able-bodied. In every corner, folks were fucking for the very salvation of the collective human soul.
Two Dykes Engaged in the Art of Fisting. A very Zen process, according to those more experienced than I. This process of getting there was certainly part of it, which definately fueled the intimacy of this rough and tumble couple. The bottom, once filled, took matters into her own hands and contributed to her multiple orgasms with a foot long vibrator. Her eruptions were gritty and deep, as if they came from the belly of the earth, itself.
The Whipping Boy "Would you like to read my diary," he says, noticing me watching him write furiously in a red book. His notes from the evening were not at all about the physical descriptions of the kinkity-kink happening around him, but a poetic rant of a fired employee. The whipping helps derail your ego. As pain rises, concentrates and localizes, his mind quiets. Highly recommended for noisy brains.
Horizontal Man Erect Obviously, a student of the Tao of lovemaking. In the space of four hours, this man probably got more ass than a toilet seat, all by doing absolutely nothing but maintaining a constant erection and a serene smile. Weekend at Bernie's anyone?
The Buzzthriller The evening's spectacle was the electrifying, thrilling, chilling Violet Wand. It's a sparkly little device that could have been the favorite of Nicola Tesla's wife. The owner had a clear mastery of the wand, demonstrating on a young cowgirl how various attachments and voltages could bring about mondo pleasure over time. The crowd gasped The Master raked crackling blue electricity down her stomach and pelvis, stopping just short of her delicate bundle of clitoral nerves. Besides puckering undies, there are other fun uses of this toy. Cowboy boyfriend was instructed to pass the buzz to the Master, whose mouth then became the high-voltage tower of power. The blend of the Master's slow, controlled technique and the cowgirl's ability to let go of fear were the key ingredients in this show's success.
By 2:00 a.m. most were calling it a night.
Those flushed-faced participants saying their goodbyes might have gotten off, or maybe they were "just looking".The fun was not only in what you could touch, or what touched you, but what was and is entirely possible and within reach.
It's all about sex, but not about sex, if you know what I mean.
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)