Build Date: Fri Oct 30 20:00:14 2026 UTC
Blackhawks are just big, dumb troop carriers, like flying AC Transit buses.
-- Tjames Madison
Lee Roy: So Beautifully Can Be No Man However
1999-08-05 00:56:16
I love this page. Comically speaking, it's so drop-dead perfect in its recasting of the old "German guy who speaks very little English translating stuff from German to English" theme that, at first read, it looks like one of the best EuroDuh parodies you've ever encountered. Well, it's NOT. It's REAL.
It's this magazine called Zitti, and this is their online version, helpfully translated into stultifyingly obtuse pidgin English. And though there's lots of good stuff to look at in Zitti ("Authentic Adventures: Ecstasy Maggot in Berlin!" and "Fucking Airport: Moist Dreams After Stewardessenart"), it's the interview with "Leroy: So Beautiful, No Man Look Like Him" that really stands out when you need a good fix in the gut-whompin' category.
Look at this: some horrible looking bald guy in a bathtub with a demented, decidedly unappetizing expression on his Teutonic phiz, and they're all making like this is the Deutsch Johnny Wadd or somesuch. "I only sit in the bathtub, drink champagnes and leave me with it the feet pedicures," says glamorous porn star "Lee Roy"; "to the one, there is only fully in the most Schwulenproduktionen unglamouröse 250 marks per staged Fick," boasts helpful, swooning Zitti mag. That Lee Roy is so dreamy!
It makes no sense. Or it makes utter nonsense. In either case, this is possibly the most perfect interview in the whole history of people interviewing other people. "In 'techno Dream,' 'swollen leather shorts' and 'Authentic Adventures' mimes the always-horny he/it, dominanten Rammelbock, that unmerciful all rannimmt, what doesn't come sufficiently quickly on the trees," the interviewer states boldly, followed by a classic Lee Roy riposte: "That is approximately so, as you would stand in the middle of the department store, and the people perform her/its/their purchases, while you do your matters there."
Still, Lee Roy is realistic about his life in German porno hell: "Sexuality has simply received another status with me, she/it has strictly speaking even lost status, because I have enjoyed life so many matters. Just like recently approximately, as he/it played along at a Cologne production-company with a pee porno." Ah yes, the pee porno story! "The more the trick drifts off into represented emotions over the sexual history however, the throws you that more from your emotional balance."
I think I sort of understand where he's coming from. While you're reading all about boy Lee Roy, be sure to check out Sexual Night Fever, Zitti's thrilling encapsulation of an orgy at a sex club replete with tales of "lacquer-pants" and a "hairy perseverance back."
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
Grow better illegal mushrooms than lousy "Psilocybe fanaticus"
Disclaimer: PaoTzu's a1 illegal mushroom cultivation cookbook is meant for educational purposes only. Be aware of the techniques used by hardcore criminals! Protect your children! Read, learn, educate. Do not try this at home. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
