Secure the Perimeter: A's and Giants Both in Pennant Races
2000-10-02 16:21:26

The World of Sport
I would disarm the entire world, because it would be cool to see people have massive battles using only their teeth and nails. Those of us who floss regularly would soon rule the earth!
-- Mr. Bad


Holy crap! It's happening again! The A's just clinched the American League West title yesterday, and the Giants have the National League West already sewn up. So that means both teams are in pennant races, which means POTENTIAL DISASTER!

The Giants are looking particularly hot this year, what with having the best record in baseball and all. The A's aren't quite the powerhouses they were in previous years, but they're definitely spunky and spirited, which might mean they'll bull their way into the World Series just on pure underdog guts. Which means that there is a STRONG CHANCE that there could be a BAY BRIDGE WORLD SERIES again this year.

Long-time Bay Area residents (dot-com carpetbaggers, listen up: history lesson to make you look more "true San Francisco" follows) remember what happened the LAST time there was a Bay Bridge series: DISASTER! EARTHQUAKES! FIRE! FREEWAY-SQUISHING in OAKLAND! HIPPY-SQUISHING in SANTA CRUZ! MAYHEM! "CHEERS" RERUNS PRE-EMPTED BY 24 HOUR NEWS COVERAGE BY ANNA CHAVEZ!

That's right: most scientists now believe it was the BAY BRIDGE SERIES that CAUSED the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake here in the Bay Area. For many of us, it meant having a convenient excuse to skip school or work, or a chance to go drink beer with your neighbors on the street because the lights and phone were out.

But for others it meant taking PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION across the damaged Bay! Completely intolerable! Oh, and how about those gross Marina apartments that got all on fire and stuff? Have you ever had to sit next to a victimized Marina yuppie at the bar on the Richmond Ferry? I thought not! It's horrible, I'm telling you.

NOT TO MENTION that in 1989, it was pretty much No Big Deal if the networks of San Francisco were down for a couple of weeks. If the same thing happened in the year 2000, however, the entire Internet economy would go straight into the CRAPPER! And that would mean WORLD-WIDE DEPRESSION and people selling PENCILS and songs about RAILROADS and stuff like that!

So I call on all San Franciscans and other Bay Area residents to send email or snail-mail to their favorite Giants or A's baseball players to try and convince them to stay out of the Series this year. Here's an example:

From: Mr. Bad
To: Noted Slugger Barry Bonds
Subject: Good Job, Barry

Dear Mr. Bonds,

I am writing to let you know that San Franciscans are very proud of
your recent accomplishments in helping the Giants get into the
pennant race. Good job!

I guess now it's time to take it easy and kind of wind down a bit,
isn't it? You've worked real hard and you deserve a break. I suggest
that maybe you should conserve your energy on the field and not really
give it 100%. Just go out there and have fun and don't worry about who
wins and who loses, eh? It's really just a game.

I think it's probly important to face the fact that you've never been
all that hot in post-season play, anyways. Why bust your ass trying to
do well when you're just going to fail, anyways? You should just kick
back and chill, is what I'm saying. Maybe even call in sick during
one or two of the playoff games and head up to Napa for the day instead.
Have you been to wine country in October? It's beautiful, and not too many
tourists, either.

In conclusion, I want to congratulate you again, and remind you to stop
worrying so much about the Giants. Isn't it time to take care of YOU,


~Mr. Bad
President, San Franciscans Against Baseball-Induced Natural Catastrophes

If we ALL write letters like this to the managers, players, and beer vendors of the two respective teams, we just might get them to underperform. If we work together, we can dodge the bullet and not have to fill up our bathtubs with emergency water or miss up-to-the-minute coverage of Naked Scottish Weathergirls. So do your part today!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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