Holy crap! It's happening again! The A's just clinched the
American League West title yesterday, and the Giants have
the National League West already sewn up. So that means
both teams are in pennant races, which means POTENTIAL
DISASTER!
The Giants are looking particularly hot this year, what with having the best
record in baseball and all. The A's aren't quite the powerhouses they were in
previous years, but they're definitely spunky and spirited, which might mean
they'll bull their way into the World Series just on pure underdog guts. Which
means that there is a STRONG CHANCE that there could be a BAY BRIDGE WORLD
SERIES again this year.
Long-time Bay Area residents (dot-com carpetbaggers, listen up: history lesson
to make you look more "true San Francisco" follows) remember what happened the
LAST time there was a Bay Bridge series: DISASTER! EARTHQUAKES! FIRE!
FREEWAY-SQUISHING in OAKLAND! HIPPY-SQUISHING in SANTA CRUZ! MAYHEM! "CHEERS"
RERUNS PRE-EMPTED BY 24 HOUR NEWS COVERAGE BY ANNA CHAVEZ!
That's right: most scientists now believe it was the BAY BRIDGE SERIES that
CAUSED the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake here in the Bay Area. For many of us, it
meant having a convenient excuse to skip school or work, or a chance to go
drink beer with your neighbors on the street because the lights and phone were
out.
But for others it meant taking PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION across the damaged Bay!
Completely intolerable! Oh, and how about those gross Marina apartments that
got all on fire and stuff? Have you ever had to sit next to a victimized Marina
yuppie at the bar on the Richmond Ferry? I thought not! It's horrible, I'm
telling you.
NOT TO MENTION that in 1989, it was pretty much No Big Deal if the networks of
San Francisco were down for a couple of weeks. If the same thing happened in
the year 2000, however, the entire Internet economy would go straight into the
CRAPPER! And that would mean WORLD-WIDE DEPRESSION and people selling PENCILS
and songs about RAILROADS and stuff like that!
So I call on all San Franciscans and other Bay Area residents to send email or
snail-mail to their favorite Giants or A's baseball players to try and convince
them to stay out of the Series this year. Here's an example:
From: Mr. Bad To: Noted Slugger Barry Bonds Subject:
Good Job,
Barry
Dear Mr. Bonds,
I am writing to let you know that San
Franciscans are very proud of your recent accomplishments in helping the
Giants get into the pennant race. Good job!
I guess now it's time
to take it easy and kind of wind down a bit, isn't it? You've worked real
hard and you deserve a break. I suggest that maybe you should conserve your
energy on the field and not really give it 100%. Just go out there and have
fun and don't worry about who wins and who loses, eh? It's really just a
game.
I think it's probly important to face the fact that you've never
been all that hot in post-season play, anyways. Why bust your ass trying
to do well when you're just going to fail, anyways? You should just
kick back and chill, is what I'm saying. Maybe even call in sick during
one or two of the playoff games and head up to Napa for the day instead.
Have you been to wine country in October? It's beautiful, and not too many
tourists, either.
In conclusion, I want to congratulate you again, and
remind you to stop worrying so much about the Giants. Isn't it time to take
care of YOU, instead?
Sincerely,
~Mr. Bad President,
San Franciscans Against Baseball-Induced Natural
Catastrophes
If we ALL write letters like this to the managers, players, and beer
vendors of the two respective teams, we just might get them to underperform. If
we work together, we can dodge the bullet and not have to fill up our bathtubs
with emergency water or miss up-to-the-minute coverage of Naked Scottish Weathergirls. So do your
part today!
