Kill Baby 6 Billion!
1999-10-12 20:21:46

Weird Science
Yeah, that was big news MONTHS AGO.
-- Crack Monkey


So, by now you know that the 6 billionth person on planet Earth has been born some time today. And, you've also probably heard all the hand-wringing about the horrible things this child is going to do to the world. But no one has faced the hard facts and made the demand: We must kill Baby 6 Billion!

I've been listening to the news about this baby, and everyone seems to agree that this kid is NO DAMN GOOD. He's going to destroy the environment, eat up the world's food supply, poison the air and water, cause wars and pestilences, spread disease, and pretty much FUCK EVERYTHING UP for the rest of us.

It's time the world's governments and law-enforcement officials faced the facts. We have to put a hit out on Baby Six Billion. Face it, folks: this kid is NO GOOD. We can't afford to have soft-hearted bureaucrats let this little delinquent get away with all his horrible crimes just because he's a BABY! The time to act is NOW.

Now, I've thought about this long and hard, and I know it sounds like a really horrible thing to do. But it's one of those utilitarian GREATEST GOOD for the GREATEST NUMBER type philosophical question things. Yeah, it's sad when a baby gets a sniper bullet in its tiny heart. Everyone has a sob story about that. But compared to all the bad shit this tiny demon is going to do, isn't it worth it?

THINK about it, folks. And write your congressperson or state legislative representative. This kid's only about 14 hours old right now, so he's probably still weak. If we act AS A GROUP, the other 5,999,999,999 of us can probably take him out now. But we don't have long, and we ESPECIALLY don't have time for a lot of shilly-shallying and hand-wringing.

So, I implore the nations of the world to CALL IN the surgical airstrikes on Baby 6 Billion. I know they're having a hard time tracing him down, but EVERY SECOND COUNTS. Please! Do what you can NOW!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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