Build Date: Fri Jul 11 10:30:29 2025 UTC
Identity is what Pigdog slaps on you with a white-hot branding iron
-- Flesh
Kill Baby 6 Billion!
1999-10-12 20:21:46
So, by now you know that the 6 billionth person on planet Earth has been born some time today. And, you've also probably heard all the hand-wringing about the horrible things this child is going to do to the world. But no one has faced the hard facts and made the demand: We must kill Baby 6 Billion!
I've been listening to the news about this baby, and everyone seems to agree that this kid is NO DAMN GOOD. He's going to destroy the environment, eat up the world's food supply, poison the air and water, cause wars and pestilences, spread disease, and pretty much FUCK EVERYTHING UP for the rest of us.
It's time the world's governments and law-enforcement officials faced the facts. We have to put a hit out on Baby Six Billion. Face it, folks: this kid is NO GOOD. We can't afford to have soft-hearted bureaucrats let this little delinquent get away with all his horrible crimes just because he's a BABY! The time to act is NOW.
Now, I've thought about this long and hard, and I know it sounds like a really horrible thing to do. But it's one of those utilitarian GREATEST GOOD for the GREATEST NUMBER type philosophical question things. Yeah, it's sad when a baby gets a sniper bullet in its tiny heart. Everyone has a sob story about that. But compared to all the bad shit this tiny demon is going to do, isn't it worth it?
THINK about it, folks. And write your congressperson or state legislative representative. This kid's only about 14 hours old right now, so he's probably still weak. If we act AS A GROUP, the other 5,999,999,999 of us can probably take him out now. But we don't have long, and we ESPECIALLY don't have time for a lot of shilly-shallying and hand-wringing.
So, I implore the nations of the world to CALL IN the surgical airstrikes on Baby 6 Billion. I know they're having a hard time tracing him down, but EVERY SECOND COUNTS. Please! Do what you can NOW!
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Pigdog dispatched special correspondent Ratsnatcher for a holiday reconnaissance of America's frozen hell. After ten days of silence, our shortwave radio cackled with Ratsnatcher's static-filled transmission. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
One of our star reporters was sent to Comdex by his employer. El Destino reports live from the biggest, geekiest trade show in the world. (More...)