Sonic Assault
2021-07-22 23:39:32
You're grooving to some groovy tunes on your favorite music streaming service when... bam... you're knocked out of your reverie by the Most Annoying Song in the World. You didn't ask for it, you didn't choose it, and the music streaming service's AI didn't pick it because it's similar to 5 other songs you recently played. The AI chose that specific moment to ruin the mood with the "1-877-Kars4Kids" jingle for one reason only: to get you to pony up for a paid subscription.
[redacted] is a great music service. They have a huge catalog of music, and they offer the familiar streaming service revenue model: You can listen for free and hear an ad now and then, or pay a monthly fee and get a commercial-free stream.
Unfortunately the commercials aren't paying the bills. Only 8% of [redacted]'s revenues come from ads, the rest comes from paid subscriptions. Without new subscribers signing up, their business model isn't sustainable.
Recently [redacted]'s marketing drones noticed something interesting: The number of people signing up for paid subscriptions increased significantly every time the "1-877-Kars4Kids" commercial aired. Once the DJ bot launched that earworm straight into a listener's cerebral cortex and started hammering, hammering, hammering away with its incessant yammering of "1-877-Kars4Kids" over and over and over listeners starting punching the "subscribe now" button faster than a cheetah on meth.
Once [redacted]'s marketing staff figured that out it was all over for the commercial-supported listeners. First they had the AI hit listeners with "1-877-Kars4Kids", but it wasn't long before they started assaulting listener's eardrums with Liberty-Liberty-Liberty Mutual, Nationwide is on your side, even "my baloney has a first name..."
Some of these advertisers aren't even paying [redacted] to run their ads anymore. These sonic brain attacks are so effective at driving up subscription revenues that [redacted] runs the ads for free.
So the next time you're ear-fucked by the most annoying jingle in the world, don't forget: you're getting ear-fucked for free ya cheapskate.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Things to Say When You're Losing a Technical Argument
Mr. Bad and Crackmonkey collaborate on a fine Mr. Bad's List. We put together ALL the TECHNOLOGY you ever need to know in order to STUMP your OPPONENT in a technical argument. Use these only when your back is against the wall -- they're definitely desperation tactics. (More...)