My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year.

What can I say? It's a brilliant idea whose time has finally come. How many of us instinctively click the mute button before that bom-shika-bom-ing ruins the effect of our favorite 69 scene? The answer, of course, is: you, you, you and you (and me). Well No More, I say! The PornOrchestra is here to transform it all with their radical reinterpretations of the pornographic film soundtrack. The equivalent of a circus band, the PornOrchestra (warmed up by a keg of Budweiser) will be performing live originally composed scores to pornographic films using the most eclectic and creative classical music minds working in the Bay Area today.

In the same vein as the silent film experience, muted porn films are projected onto a big screen behind the accompanying orchestra. The instruments will be doing the talking. Mariemont suggests, "Instruments are expressive enough to create nonhuman vocals and dialogue." Some of these films appeared one day in Mariemont's mailbox with little handwritten notes attached. Of these uninvited (though not unwelcome) treasures, Mariemont selected works by Dean Mermell and Jacques Boyreau from Storyfarm. The films are described as, "interesting, recycled 70's porn invested with Mondrian embellishments and a torn down, funky, impressionist/cubist sensibility...hard to describe, yet important." "It's the 'hard to describe' part that really piqued my interest," states Mariemont.

If you desire a tease and thrill, are aching for the perfect First Date destination or you're yearning for an alternative to the 75th Annual Academy Awards (I assure you that none of these films have been nominated), check out the PornOrchestra's two "Rilly Big Shews" next weekend at:

21 Grand
Saturday and Sunday, March 22 and 23, 2003
8 pm | sliding scale $6-$10
449B 23rd Street
Oakland, California
(No children under 17 permitted)

Mention that you came for "The Rilly Big Shew" and win a fabulous free "pornorchestra.com" gold foil truck-stop sticker.

Like a little foreplay? Then give a listen to kalx 90.7 fm tomorrow, Saturday, March 15, 2003 from 5:30-6:30 pm.

Fret not, if you miss these opportunities you can shoot your wad at:

Parkway Theater
Thursday, June 12, 2003
9 pm | $8
1834 Park Boulevard
Oakland, California
(Ages 21 and over)

Mariemont's original scores are not recorded and many will be improvised, so I recommend coming again and again.

P.S. To find out YOUR porn name, go here OR simply combine the name of your first pet with the name of the first street you ever lived on (for example, I'm Kitty Elwood and my mom is Fluffy Moraga).

hapsburg@pigdog.org