Build Date: Sun Apr 21 09:20:05 2024 UTC

I hate this soon as I send this message - one piece becomes many.
-- Johnnie Royale

Everyone Hates Cliff Richard

by Tjames Madison

1999-12-20 03:11:58

Everyone in England hates Cliff Richard, which is no big surprise: I hate Cliff Richard, you hate Cliff Richard, and everyone you know probably hates Cliff Richard, too. We hate Cliff Richard because we fear Cliff Richard; we suspect he may be an Elder God sent to Earth to wreak havoc. We also hate him because we're not quite sure who he is.

Richard, who turns 90 next year, currently has the biggest selling smash hit record in England, which doesn't mean that much, really, but it helps us identify and confirm the horrible taste of the British record-buying public. The current thing that is making everyone hate Cliff Richard is this song called "Millenium Prayer," which is, pathetically enough, the Lord's Prayer set to the music of Auld Lang Syne. Everyone in England who hasn't bought a copy of it is hopping mad about it! Everyone in England is either musically unsophisticated or REALLY MAD AT CLIFF RICHARD! So there!

One of the Spice Girls (uh, the lame one, I think) was all like, "A complete pile of shit." And another Spice Girl (the other lame one) claimed Cliff was "ripping off fans."

And noted pederast George Michael said "I don't think anyone's going to shake the vicar." I don't have the slightest fucking clue what that means, but it sounds like he doesn't care for Cliff Richard.

So anyway, there is this big WAR going on over Cliff Richard! CLIFF RICHARD! He wears white suits and talks about Jesus a lot; in a lot of ways, he's way more vile than Pat Boone. And he's got the number one record in that wacky little country over by France.

But that Hamster Dance record is shooting up the charts and might topple Cliff Richard soon. Which would be good, because then English pop stars would have more stuff to hate.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

T O P   S T O R I E S

The culture of futurism

C L A S S I C   P I G D O G