Build Date: Wed Dec 4 00:50:11 2024 UTC
Fear is the enemy and anarchy is our supply line!
-- Mr. Bad
Everyone Hates Cliff Richard
1999-12-20 03:11:58
Everyone in England hates Cliff Richard, which is no big surprise: I hate Cliff Richard, you hate Cliff Richard, and everyone you know probably hates Cliff Richard, too. We hate Cliff Richard because we fear Cliff Richard; we suspect he may be an Elder God sent to Earth to wreak havoc. We also hate him because we're not quite sure who he is.
Richard, who turns 90 next year, currently has the biggest selling smash hit record in England, which doesn't mean that much, really, but it helps us identify and confirm the horrible taste of the British record-buying public. The current thing that is making everyone hate Cliff Richard is this song called "Millenium Prayer," which is, pathetically enough, the Lord's Prayer set to the music of Auld Lang Syne. Everyone in England who hasn't bought a copy of it is hopping mad about it! Everyone in England is either musically unsophisticated or REALLY MAD AT CLIFF RICHARD! So there!
One of the Spice Girls (uh, the lame one, I think) was all like, "A complete pile of shit." And another Spice Girl (the other lame one) claimed Cliff was "ripping off fans."
And noted pederast George Michael said "I don't think anyone's going to shake the vicar." I don't have the slightest fucking clue what that means, but it sounds like he doesn't care for Cliff Richard.
So anyway, there is this big WAR going on over Cliff Richard! CLIFF RICHARD! He wears white suits and talks about Jesus a lot; in a lot of ways, he's way more vile than Pat Boone. And he's got the number one record in that wacky little country over by France.
But that Hamster Dance record is shooting up the charts and might topple Cliff Richard soon. Which would be good, because then English pop stars would have more stuff to hate.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
My experiment is a failure. Rockstar-and-Robitussin tastes like day-after-Halloween bile. I'm trying to choke down enough to discover the effects, but no matter what those are one thing is certain at the outset: what I have discovered is not a Beverage, but a pale green and angry iced abomination.
You were right: science is not for the weak of will nor stomach. (More...)
Another Spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL: Home of The Deathwave Bar & Grill! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
