Build Date: Fri Jul 11 11:10:36 2025 UTC
Isn't it wonderful that, despite our differences, we're united in our mutual love of beer?
-- Mr. Bad
Cute Little Country has Cute Little Crimes: Toad-Tadpoles Kidnapped in Denmark!!
1999-08-12 20:01:55
OK, so everybody knows that tadpoles aren't very cute. BUT, how cute are rare tadpoles that are stolen from a darling little country like Denmark? Pretty DAMN cute, I'd say.
Most likely the rare fire-bellied toad tadpoles were RIPPED from their quaint little Danish farm to be sold to pet stores (not to some freaky rich-people group that likes to feast on "exotic" meats). Now c'mon, that's just way outta control cuter than a baby dressed up in rain gear sitting in a tire!
Can't you just imagine the backs of milk cartons and those ad-thingies you get in the mail with pictures of schools of tadpoles frolicking and the words "Missing" and "Dearly Loved" as the caption?
I realize that this all sounds very patronizing but I actually lived in Denmark and therefore, I KNOW. Let me list a handful of reasons why the Danish cute factor is so damn high:
- Population 5 million (95% homogeneous, meaning: blonde hair, blue eyes)
- Gingerbread houses
- Postmen on bikes with red leather postal bags and smart-looking caps
- Everybody on bikes even in the dead of the frigid North Atlantic winter
- Some of the world's finest pornography
- Windmills
- LEGOS!!
- Cobblestone streets
- Yummy pastries (where do you think the Danish came from?)
- A Queen who illustrates children's books in her spare time
- Revered Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen harbor ("den Lille Havfrue")
- Highest peak a whopping 1500ft
- Hans Christian Andersen (OK, he's a wee bit freaky, that can only be explained by an excess of German blood in the family tree)
Plus, many Danes even think their country is painfully cute. When I told one Dane I met here in the States that I spoke Danish she lightheartedly laughed and remarked, "Well, it is a cute little language, but why would you want to learn it?".
Anyways, this has got to be the most grievous crime in Denmark since the VICIOUS THEFT of the Little Mermaid's head. _And_, there was the ever famous incident in 1995 when someone rammed a bulldozer into a Danish prison freeing many "hardened" Danish criminals. One escapee gave himself up because he was "homesick", missed the cushy Danish prison life and wanted to go back (Awwwwwwww, how sweet!).
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
High Availability Guinness Stress Test
All too often we forget the incredible depth of technology behind the weekly ritual of TNiPN@*. We tend to only become aware of the strategy of High Available Guinness (HAG) when it rises to the forefront during a complete and utter venue failure. Yet we should all be super grateful that this system exists. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
One of our star reporters was sent to Comdex by his employer. El Destino reports live from the biggest, geekiest trade show in the world. (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)
