Build Date: Tue Jul 28 04:00:27 2026 UTC
Goddamn all you people to hell. Thom Stark, you stole my Dog Name.
-- Ratsnatcher
UK Government Wants Me DEAD!
2002-08-01 11:48:26
Today it emerged that those DUMB BASTARDS in UK Parliament made another Blunder of Big Proportions! They went and bought the wrong vaccine for small pox!
The plan was to purchase enough small pox vaccine to inject into the pulsing veins of everyone in the "United Kingdom," as a preemptive strike against any ideas those evil Terrorist folks might have.
The problem is though, that the UK Government have purchased massive amounts of vaccine for the strain of small pox known as "Lister" when, in fact, Scientists believe that Terrorists are much more likely to use a entirely different strain of the disease in any planned attacks.
I just know that this is a ploy by the Government to make me dead. They are trying this stuff all the time! I don't know why they go to all this trouble making elaborate plans instead of just sending a guy round to shoot me in the fucking face.
Anyway... Now that the Terrorists know for certain what strain of small pox not to unleash on the people of the UK, and the US Government is laughing at us, I am seriously considering a Hiatus in The Solomon Islands until the air has cleared! To be honest, I know how those Fucknuts in Parliament House feel... I bought the wrong printer cartridge the other day -- the bastards use ambiguous labelling!
I don't know why we do this to myself!

T O P S T O R I E S
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
On the Implementation of a Grocery Bag And Overforestation Initiative
Patient Joab and his evil cohort, Patient Steve, develop a proposal for the plastic-v.-paper problem that EVERYONE can be happy with. An EXCLUSIVE from Spock Mountain Research Labs! (More...)