The US Must Deploy Turtle-Men To Afghanistan
2002-05-22 22:53:19

You're a mouth-breathing windows user.
-- Gank


News for today: world becomes slightly obviously stranger, suspiciously a big fat fucking joke. I can't believe I've fallen for reality this long.

I mean, dear LORD! OK, so, it's all good and shit that they finally found the body of Chandra Levy, the 24-year-old intern who disappeared mysteriously last spring, but still. STILL! I mean, READ THIS!

"Levy's remains were found in Rock Creek Park after a man searching for turtles in "a very inaccessible area" was alerted to the remains by his dog, [Police chief] Ramsey said. The park is not far from where Levy lived, and she was known to jog there."

So, the body of the second-most-sought-after person in all the known world was found NEAR HER HOUSE? In a PUBLIC PARK? Oh, well, maybe it was in an INACCESSIBLE spot, and they looked there, but the body was INACCESSIBLE. Where the hell else were they looking for her? Donut shops? 7-11? Goddamn, the place is accessible enough for The Turtle Guy.

But HOW inaccessible can a fucken public park be, when you've got huge SWAT TEAM NATIONAL MANHUNTS going on? I watch MOVIES, man, and the FIRST thing the cops do is send a bunch of people out to the nearest woodsy area and have them comb the forest in widening circles. It's a cliche! Everybody knows you have to do this!

Maybe this headline would be SLIGHTLY MORE RIDICULOUS if the body had been found by Mormon missionaries on the doorstep of Levy's own apartment. "Ha ha!" the police chief would say, "We must have overlooked that. It was a very inaccessible area of the doorstep."

But instead the bones are found by the DOG of a MAN SEARCHING for TURTLES? My mind is reeling with unanswered questions. Were they wild turtles, or were they his pet turtles that had escaped their pen? Is it legal to hunt turtles in public parks? What was he going to do with them? Eat 'em? Train them for his turtle circus? And how did the dog "alert" the Turtle Man to the skeletal remains? Some kind of special turtle-dog bark?

Maybe this is a WAKEUP CALL for American law enforcement. Maybe we should give those FBI dudes some TURTLE-HUNTING courses. Give 'em some TURTLE NETS and big old TURTLE BAGS and set them loose in public parks, hoping they'll actually stumble over Jimmy Hoffa. Or some SPECIAL TRAINED turtlehounds, with super turtle smell. Because, I mean, FUCK. Something's gone desperately wrong here, and we need to start thinking out of the box.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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