Build Date: Fri Jul 4 12:00:47 2025 UTC
Psychedelics are almost irrelevant in a town where you can wander into a casino any time of the day or night and witness the crucifiction of a gorilla...
-- HST
When Assmen Collide
2002-05-02 12:00:21
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them.
Then there is this other kind of Assman, like Adam "Assman" Lang. He doesn't seem especially retarded, appears to be polite, and can spell and punctuate within given normal parameters. He doesn't advocate his local sports team kicking your butt, and he admires the taste of Guinness.
He also offers a quite plausible reason for calling himself "Assman": "The nickname Assman was granted to me after my sophmore year, whence I recieved a citation for showing my ass to unwitting and innocent bystandars upon the lands of one of our country's national parks. Why the very ass which God himself bestowed unto me was offensive to these individuals is beyond me, but the law is the law."
He is, by all normal sorts of indicators, a likeable chap.
We at Assman Field Research Institute (AFRI) are not sure what to make of Assman Lang. He skews our studies quite badly, frankly, and we're a little concerned that other Assmen may follow his example and divert valuable Assman genetic resources back into the wider human evolutionary trough, where they may sit, dormant, waiting for an Assking to come along, one with enormous powers of Assitude, a mammoth Ass Figure able to harness and control terrifying elemental Ass Powers with which he could, concievably, wreak havoc upon our fragile ecosystem.
The stakes are unimaginably high. One slip-up and we'll all be wearing sombreros tomorrow and listening to Sammy Hagar.
To wit: I give you the flip side of Adam "Assman" Lang.
Andy "Assman" Jones. See the mock wanted poster. Height, weight, date of birth. Wanted for "public intoxication" and "public indecency" and "raging against the machine." Woo woo! That last bit alone would have given the Institute reason enough to move the big hand on the Assday Clock another minute forward.
But then, like a true Assman, Jones takes the ball, breaks into the open and runs crazy-legged downfield for the goal line: He's "pimpin' rock," he's got some sort of mohawk in one picture and he's drawn an afro on himself on the other. He also appears to believe he's some sort of ninja. He's a goddamn Ass Master.
His presence comforts the Institute, for some odd reason. We remain slightly unnerved at the existence of apparently docile Assmen such as Lang, but meeting Assman Jones feels just like riding a bicycle.
Welcome back home, Assman.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Place the Lighter on the Ground and Let Us See Your Hands
So I have been thinking on this whole flag burning issue and all the things it could imply. Now a lot of people right now are saying that there are more important issues at stake and something so trivial is a waste of time. Believing such is really losing sight of some very key changes happening in our nation right now. Being a strict conservative, and currently serving in Iraq, I was surprised to find that I am actually appalled that the House approved a ban on flag burning. (More...)
Juggler Vain attempts to wrestle with the issues around the KPFA shutdown; Big-time wrestling ensues. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)
First in a regular series! The Pigdog Journal Spocktail of the Week features recipes for EXCITING and DELICIOUS potions and tonics for your quaffing pleasure! Gulp down a whole lot TODAY! (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)