Build Date: Sun May 19 00:40:05 2024 UTC
Living on beer, American Spirits and Sobe.
-- Mr. Bad
Flowers For the Assman
1999-07-29 21:46:07
I swear to god, they're just JUMPING RIGHT IN THE BOAT nowadays. Back in the day, when I first started searching the web wide and far for Assmen, they were sort of hard to spot. You had to look between the lines back then, back in, ah, May. But now the wily Assman senses the potential for cheap, pointless celebrity! Something all Assmen crave innately!
So now a search for Assmen turns up stuff like, "HEY! OVER HERE! I AM AN ASSMAN!" and "COME TO THE HOME OF THE ASSMAN! THE ONE AND ONLY ASSMAN!" and "ASSMAN.COM! SEX PICTURES FEATURING BUTTS!" I'm not kidding about that last one.
This job has gotten a bit easier, but it's still tough weeding out the truly exceptional, truly assy Assmen. You have to have a bit of everything to be a Pigdog Assman: guts, savvy, lack of spellchecking software, bad HTML spooge, total indifference to looking like a stooge, an ASS STOOGE.
"Assman's Autograph Page" qualifies on most of these counts.
Look at this stuff! Side LEFT: pictures of AUTOGRAPHS that the Assman has PERSONALLY COLLECTED! Who do we have here? Ah: Dabney Coleman! Dom DeLuise! EFREM ZIMBALIST JR.! Only a total ASSMAN would want these guys' autographs!
Here we go: side RIGHT! A SIMPSONS PAGE! With sounds! And you can click on Barney's BUTT to get to another page; wonderful! Only a total ASSMAN would think anyone needs or wants to look at another Simpsons page in 1999. "Hey, I need that funny noise Homer makes, like 'DOH!' or whatnot so I can use it as a system beep! Haw Haw!"
And if that wasn't ENOUGH to qualify this Assman as Pigdog Assman of the Week, check out the Assman's Trading Post, where you can trade photos and index cards (of special note is the fact that this Assman is looking for "3x5 signed index cards" of celebrities including "Rue McClanahan (Golden Girls)," "David Ogden Steirs (M.A.S.H.)," and "Mary Tyler Moore (Mary Tyler Moore Show.)
Lalala, the hits keep a-comin'...
T O P S T O R I E S
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Another Spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL: Home of The Deathwave Bar & Grill! (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
Still Up For the Party? America's Dance Floors Are Graying
Raving over 30 doesn't have to be embarassing anymore. (More...)
