Build Date: Tue Sep 30 02:10:06 2025 UTC
did the body take her meds?
-- maj
Flowers For the Assman
1999-07-29 21:46:07
I swear to god, they're just JUMPING RIGHT IN THE BOAT nowadays. Back in the day, when I first started searching the web wide and far for Assmen, they were sort of hard to spot. You had to look between the lines back then, back in, ah, May. But now the wily Assman senses the potential for cheap, pointless celebrity! Something all Assmen crave innately!
So now a search for Assmen turns up stuff like, "HEY! OVER HERE! I AM AN ASSMAN!" and "COME TO THE HOME OF THE ASSMAN! THE ONE AND ONLY ASSMAN!" and "ASSMAN.COM! SEX PICTURES FEATURING BUTTS!" I'm not kidding about that last one.
This job has gotten a bit easier, but it's still tough weeding out the truly exceptional, truly assy Assmen. You have to have a bit of everything to be a Pigdog Assman: guts, savvy, lack of spellchecking software, bad HTML spooge, total indifference to looking like a stooge, an ASS STOOGE.
"Assman's Autograph Page" qualifies on most of these counts.
Look at this stuff! Side LEFT: pictures of AUTOGRAPHS that the Assman has PERSONALLY COLLECTED! Who do we have here? Ah: Dabney Coleman! Dom DeLuise! EFREM ZIMBALIST JR.! Only a total ASSMAN would want these guys' autographs!
Here we go: side RIGHT! A SIMPSONS PAGE! With sounds! And you can click on Barney's BUTT to get to another page; wonderful! Only a total ASSMAN would think anyone needs or wants to look at another Simpsons page in 1999. "Hey, I need that funny noise Homer makes, like 'DOH!' or whatnot so I can use it as a system beep! Haw Haw!"
And if that wasn't ENOUGH to qualify this Assman as Pigdog Assman of the Week, check out the Assman's Trading Post, where you can trade photos and index cards (of special note is the fact that this Assman is looking for "3x5 signed index cards" of celebrities including "Rue McClanahan (Golden Girls)," "David Ogden Steirs (M.A.S.H.)," and "Mary Tyler Moore (Mary Tyler Moore Show.)
Lalala, the hits keep a-comin'...
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
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Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
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Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
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Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
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The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
Place the Lighter on the Ground and Let Us See Your Hands
So I have been thinking on this whole flag burning issue and all the things it could imply. Now a lot of people right now are saying that there are more important issues at stake and something so trivial is a waste of time. Believing such is really losing sight of some very key changes happening in our nation right now. Being a strict conservative, and currently serving in Iraq, I was surprised to find that I am actually appalled that the House approved a ban on flag burning. (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)
Robert Helms makes a living volunteering for medical experiments. Though Helms — and almost all guinea pigs — get paid for their participation in medical trials, they are still "volunteers" according to a byzantine legal code. They are compensated for their time, not paid to ingest medicine. He and "guinea pigs" like him have learned the intimate art of taking catheters in their veins, tubes in their intestines, EKG electrodes on their nipples. (More...)
