I Am the Assman! Goo Goo Ga Joob!

by Tjames Madison

1999-06-16 15:47:31

Behold the Assman!

Examine the plight of the poor Assman. Left to his own devices the Assman will attempt to express himself through whatever means he has access to. In the case of web-faring Assmen, this often means a web page, usually a simple affair telling some facts about the Assman and the kinds of things which interest the Assman.

He will use whatever tools we provide him; his is a simple lot. Like chimpanzees trained to ring a bell or push a brightly colored button for a chimp snack, the Assman understands the basics of web page design, that a colorful entryway can appeal and entice vistors to the home of the Assman.

Sometimes, like when our chimp finds a shotgun that the zookeeper has thoughtlessly left laying within its reach, the Assman discovers a cache of design elements that can be hazardous to his and our health. The Assman becomes enemy of the man; the trust inherent in Human-Assman relations, always a fragile thing, is broken.

Take Assman256@aol.com, for instance. This Assman is crazy.

His page is all Assed up: two blinking stoplights, four lava lamps, two happy faces, a picture of a baby, a java applet that proudly boasts of the Assman's inability to think in human terms, another applet which spells out the Assman's name in bouncing letters ("W e l c o m e t o K e v i n R u t l e d g e ' s H o m e p a g e," for the curious,) an animated GIF of a baseball player running in place, a "countdown to Y2K" page, a scrolling link to the Assman's "favorite places;" a dancing robot. No observable content.

An Assman run amok. An Assman running on borrowed time until the Zookeeper comes back from lunch.

Kevin Rutledge, you're our Assman of the Week. Enjoy the honor -- while you still have your freedom.

Check it out yourself

jared@pigdog.org