Build Date: Mon Oct 26 03:50:16 2026 UTC
Zach is happy and Zach doesn't worry about Alabama schoolgirls. That is because Zach has a secret - he drinks a lot and never leaves the house.
-- Johnnie Royale
The Assman Cometh
1999-05-27 01:26:34
I used to think that nobody could possibly call themselves something like "Assman," even in a "Hey looka me everybody -- I gotta lampshade onna my head!" self-deprecating, party animal kind of way. But it's true. LOTS of people want to be the Assman. They probably even live closer to you than you THINK, friend!
For instance, look at Stephen "Assman" Payne here. He's wearing a sombrero. He's making a funny face. He's some kind of student. On his resume, he confidently expresses his familiarity with the Windows 3.1 operating system and BASIC programming language. He's interested in HTML, and feels he would bring experience, enthusiasm and attention to detail and quality to your organization.
He's worked with "costly machinery" in the past, he's a friendly and reliable person; he's an Assman.
Let's face it: there probably isn't enough time left on the millenium clock to examine in depth all the Assmen of the Internet before the Y2K problem makes our computers explode, like the newspaper columnists keep saying it will. But here is a solemn pledge: as long as there is a Pigdog, there will always be a place for Assmen, and the Exploits and Wacky Real-Life Adventures of the Assman.
Congratulations to Stephen Payne, Pigdog's Assman of the Week!
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
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California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
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Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
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Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Ratsnatcher gets HOT HOT HOT in this classic road tale that looks at the steamy underworld of Bay Area Linux advocacy. Loosen your collar for this one! (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
