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Disoriented Walken Forced to Make Movie About Cartoon Bears for Disney; Prognosis Grim, Say Experts

by Tjames Madison

2002-04-22 17:18:15

Here's an item that's been banging around the Pigdog offices for quite a while, but has seemed too horrifying to actually comment on. Until now. Slow news day and all.

Christopher Walken is starring in the upcoming Disney flick "The Country Bears," based on the Walt Disney World (and until recently, Disneyland) animatronic show "Country Bear Jamboree." The movie stars Walken, a human actor of some renown, and a cast of animated bears voiced by various celebrities. Walken plays an evil banker, apparently, who is trying to shut down the Country Bear Jamboree.

This is not a joke. Walken actually read the script and then signed a contract. Everything is all legal and official-like. ''He loved working with the bears,'' the film's director, Peter Hastings says. ''He was fascinated by how they live together with the humans without comment.''

Hastings, whose single previous directorial credit was the "Flyndiggery Do!" episode of "Disney's One Saturday Morning" cartoon series, seems not to understand the specific gravity of the situation he's stumbled into: ''Typically, when I say I am doing a movie based on the Country Bears, people say, 'Really?' But after explaining the approach for 10 minutes, they become interested.''

Ten whole minutes. And Christopher Walken was facinated by how the bears live with the humans and how no one says "Hey, those bears are living with those humans." And giant buckets of money were dumped into this production, literal tons of filthy green lucre. And there will be a Christopher Walken toy coming soon to your Happy Meal.

You can't make this shit up. A sequel is already planned. Did I mention that the movie also stars Willie Nelson and Queen Latifah? Yes, yes it does.

Someone get hold of Walken immediately and vigorously shake him. Then run away real fast, because one of these days the Percocet is finally going to wear off and he's gonna be real, real mad.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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