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I keep getting voicemail messages from an Imperial droid calling from Hoth.
-- Baron Earl
Amazon's 'Dash' Button For Doritos Panned By Potheads
2017-03-27 12:13:46
So Amazon sells this button you can put in your house, and every time you press it you buy something from Amazon. No, not a random something -- although that'd be pretty cool. ("What? The Necronomicon?! Aw, I was hoping for a giant horse-head mask...") Instead the Dash button buys you whatever's written on the button. You know, like Doritos. Which of course raises some very important questions for potheads...
Like, once the munchies hit, how long until my Doritos arrive? And will Amazon deliver them by drone? And if I keep hitting the button, will more drones show up? Will they hover outside my window while I laugh maniacally at them, jonesing for faster and faster piano music like that stoner in Reefer Madness?
In a word: no. There's no drones -- Amazon talks a good game, but they haven't actually implemented drone deliveries to rain bags of Doritos from the skies. But what's even more surprising: there's no big bag of Doritos, either. Instead Amazon's Dash button will swamp you with -- I kid you not -- 104 little one-ounce bags.
I guess they think I'm going to be packing school lunches for the next five months...
There is one more option -- 64 little one-ounce bags. (If you're only packing school lunches for two and a half months...) These and other disturbing facts were apparently discovered by two stoners who slipped into Amazon's cheery "Customer Questions & Answers" section. And one of them began by finally saying out loud what's only been whispered about Amazon's target demographic for their Dash button.
"I assume the only people who need a Doritos speed dial are stoned."
There was a second part to the question -- Is the Dash button small enough to attach to a lighter? (And seven other Amazon users voted this question "helpful".) But delightfully, another stoner then showed up to supply the answer: no. It's definitely not small enough to attach to your lighter.
Their definitive pothead opinion about Amazon's Doritos-buying Dash button?
"Don't buy."
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