French Leapfrog U.S. with Amazing New Toilet Technology
2002-05-13 22:35:26

Special Ideas
I don't create the legend... merely report it.
-- Spock


The French are known for having unique ideas about bathroom hygiene. They invented and still use bidets, now recognized by environmentalists as a superior, earth-friendly solution. Now the French toilet industry has leapfrogged its U.S. counterpart with an amazing toilet that cleans itself.

It's about time someone invented this. Why the fuck am I still getting down on my hands and knees and cleaning my toilet by hand? This is fantastic! It brings me one step closer to my ultimate dream of TOTAL CONVENIENCE. I want one in every room.

The only thing that bothers me is that the French invented it first. This is further proof that America is losing ground in the vital restroom technology sector. The writing has been on the wall ever since the EPA brought new restrictions on flush volume into law during the 1990's. The new toilets, with their pitiful little flushes, were a flop. Consumers held on to their trusty old 3 gallon flushers, or worse bought black market toilets smuggled in over the Canadian border. Consolidation and outsourcing to India further decimated the American toilet R&D community. Today there is not a single opening for Toilet Design Engineer on the Monster.com national job listings.

The manufacturer of this supertoilet even has a pictorial layout of the installation procedure at "Harry's New York Bar" in Paris. Why do you think they chose this particular location to feature on their webpage? The not-so-subtle insinuation is that American bars have horrible, bile-churning toilet hygeine. I'm simultaneously offended by these French swine, yet quietly envious of their bars' sweet-smelling, self-disinfecting, perfectly round toilet bowls. Damn those French!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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