Build Date: Sat May 18 13:20:07 2024 UTC
Hey baby, wanna take a ride in... um... your own car?
-- The Compulsive Splicer
Hey, check out my crotch!
2001-08-25 20:07:40
Back in the glory days of Silicon Valley, you couldn't be a libertarian hacker without owning a pair of Chi-Pants. Unfortunately, Loma Prieta took out the business and we've all had to wear uncomfortable, restrictive pants since then. Until now!
The 1989 earthquake caused too much damage to Chi-Pants' headquarters and production facilities, and the fledgeling business folded within a year. Many of you Johnny-Come- Latelies who came online for the fame and riches won't remember Chi-Pants. I, on the other hand, was dealing drugs by 1200 baud modem ten years before anyone ever used the word 'e-commerce.' In those days, Chi-Pants were a staple of what was then called "New Edge" which is just a nauseating way of saying "geeks with too much money."
Anyway, Chi-Pants are just pants, but they have a gusset instead of a cross-stitch. Look at your crotch. If what you see looks like the intersection of State and Main, then you don't have them. If what you see is a diamond-shaped panel that gives you a vast range of motion for all the kung-fu moves you don't know how to do, then congratulations! You're wearing Chi-Pants, or at least something similar.
Chi-Pants are back in business, with the backing of Men's Wearhouse. Who knows how long they'll be in business, because Men's Wearhouse is going to expect them to actually sell in order to keep backing Chi-Wear (the new incarnation includes more than just pants). And face it, today's computer geeks are generally a pretty pathetic bunch who wouldn't be caught dead wearing anything that didn't come from Banana Republic or some other Gap subsidiary. No longer do you have the sort of computer people who are willing to "think outside the box" enough to wear pants that feel good. No, today's computer professionals are sheep who don't even remember OS/2 and the Newton, and would never want to own an Edsel. Being smarter than your boss isn't cool anymore, so who will buy Chi-Pants?
Well, if you're one of the people who will, better buy them now and buy as many as you can, 'cause I'm betting that not enough people are smart enough to get it and buy 'em, and as sad as it makes me to say this, I bet this is a short window of opportunity to get some great pants before the visionaries who thought this up get shot in the back again. So put your orders in now while you can. Your crotch will thank you.
T O P S T O R I E S
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SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
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"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
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Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
