GNUPG! You need to get some ENCRYPTION, BUB.

     
 

Hey, check out my crotch!
2001-08-25 20:07:40


Special Ideas
 
It's not an adult feature unless, at the end, someone's gooey. Arcing ropes of jism hitting chins-- that is an adult feature.
-- Bill Hicks

 

Back in the glory days of Silicon Valley, you couldn't be a libertarian hacker without owning a pair of Chi-Pants. Unfortunately, Loma Prieta took out the business and we've all had to wear uncomfortable, restrictive pants since then. Until now!

The 1989 earthquake caused too much damage to Chi-Pants' headquarters and production facilities, and the fledgeling business folded within a year. Many of you Johnny-Come- Latelies who came online for the fame and riches won't remember Chi-Pants. I, on the other hand, was dealing drugs by 1200 baud modem ten years before anyone ever used the word 'e-commerce.' In those days, Chi-Pants were a staple of what was then called "New Edge" which is just a nauseating way of saying "geeks with too much money."

Anyway, Chi-Pants are just pants, but they have a gusset instead of a cross-stitch. Look at your crotch. If what you see looks like the intersection of State and Main, then you don't have them. If what you see is a diamond-shaped panel that gives you a vast range of motion for all the kung-fu moves you don't know how to do, then congratulations! You're wearing Chi-Pants, or at least something similar.

Chi-Pants are back in business, with the backing of Men's Wearhouse. Who knows how long they'll be in business, because Men's Wearhouse is going to expect them to actually sell in order to keep backing Chi-Wear (the new incarnation includes more than just pants). And face it, today's computer geeks are generally a pretty pathetic bunch who wouldn't be caught dead wearing anything that didn't come from Banana Republic or some other Gap subsidiary. No longer do you have the sort of computer people who are willing to "think outside the box" enough to wear pants that feel good. No, today's computer professionals are sheep who don't even remember OS/2 and the Newton, and would never want to own an Edsel. Being smarter than your boss isn't cool anymore, so who will buy Chi-Pants?

Well, if you're one of the people who will, better buy them now and buy as many as you can, 'cause I'm betting that not enough people are smart enough to get it and buy 'em, and as sad as it makes me to say this, I bet this is a short window of opportunity to get some great pants before the visionaries who thought this up get shot in the back again. So put your orders in now while you can. Your crotch will thank you.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

ozzyluvr@pigdog.org


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