Build Date: Wed Aug 13 13:41:11 2025 UTC
I no longer have a soul, having bartered it long ago for dashing good looks and a handful of super-powers.
-- Lenny Tuberose
Whole Lotta Shakin Goin On
2000-11-11 14:29:52
Yeah, that's a lame title, but everyone who writes a puff piece about earthquakes uses it, and as a Professional Journalist I feel obliged to submit to the tradition. (Just so you know, I will also use the word "temblor" later in this article). However, this puff piece is different -- it's not just about earthquakes as scary natural phenomenon, but earthquakes as a tool for VIOLENT SOCIAL CHANGE!
So, check it: San Francisco, right? Late Nineties Internet Gold Rush Ground Zero. What with incoming dot-com carpet-baggers from the East Coast arriving by the fuckload each day (confidential to carpet-baggers: fuck off and die. We hate you), commercial and residential rents are going through the roof. This means that folks who make San Francisco cool are being driven out of the City in record numbers -- they can't have homes, they can't have artists' studios, they can't have rehearsal space, they can't have nothing.
What's going to change that? The group I link to below, ARTISTS FOR EARTHQUAKES, has an idea: instigate a MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE in San Francisco to destroy large amounts of property. Property values plummet, all the shady businesses and creeps in rugby shirts go back to their Rust Belt homes, and we can have our City back. All due to a massive temblor. Beaujolais for that!
Anyways, check out Artists for Earthquakes. They're planning lots of cool events, like tap dancing on the Hayward Fault (trying to get it to shift, don't you know) or banging REAL LOUD DRUMS on the San Andreas. Haven't you always wanted to change history (and geography)? Now's your chance.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Last week I had eye surgery and it was certainly one of the least enjoyable episodes of my life. Eye Surgeons like their patients to be conscious enough so that they can move their eyes to the proper position during surgery. (More...)
Alright kids, this is the column where you write in with the lurid details of your personal lives, and I put them on the Internet for everyone to snicker at. But also, I give you a free Tarot reading, so there's that. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
