Build Date: Tue Dec 3 23:20:12 2024 UTC
THE INTERNET IS A CURSE!!!!!!!!! wrought down upon my head like a plague of locusts.
-- The Compulsive Splicer
Help Wanted: Hero
2001-01-06 16:05:08
Here's your chance to be Freedom's Fifth Column in the fight for information liberation! Agent C528 gives you the lowdown on how to be a human dagger in the heart of oppression.
So, you're pretty pissed off about the DMCA and all the restrictions on free speech in the name of "copy protection" that the movie and record companies are laying on us with the craven, bootlicking help of the computer industry. Your freedom is being fucked with and you want to do something to protect it. But you're not an elite reverse engineer or a software guru like Jon Johansen, so what can you do?
Well, do you know Microsoft Word?
The shadowy organization known variously as "LMI," "The 4C Entity" and "DVD CCA" is hiring an "Executive Assistant" to do all the calendarization, prioritization, coordination, and stapleization for their normally ultra-secret plans to wreck free speech and fair use. They say, "Must maintain a high level of confidentiality." which means, basically, "If the People ever find out about our nefarious schemes they will rise up in righteous wrath and destroy us, so we'll pay you really well to shut you up and try to keep your mind off the fact that we're all going to Hell."
Why the fuck would you want that job? Typing up a bunch of nasty shit on Microsoft Word for a bunch of nasty people? (They're technically not human, biologically, but that's another story.) Sounds like a recipe for burnout.
Well, wrong. Here's the deal. You clean up your act, practice your officeatorial skills, get the job, then mail us. (Not from work. Go to an Internet café. Duh.) We'll help do your work for you.
So picture this: the tyrant warlord Xenu, who runs the 4C Entity, asks you to type up Intel's plan for mandatory stool-sampling circuitry on all new PCs. What a drag, word processing some dumbass document about some intrusive privacy-violating technology. But wait, you just contact your confidential Pigdog "agent handler," make a brush pass or a dead drop, and within hours, the secret plan is all typed up and fontified, and we'll even make the copies. So you'll have time to finish your screenplay, maintain your web site, or maybe get really, really good at Minesweeper.
So not only do you get mega-pay for mini-work, you get to be a hero in the cause of freedom when the history of the Culture War gets written. It's the perfect job. Apply today.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Once & Future King of Dust
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Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
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'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
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SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
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C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
Place the Lighter on the Ground and Let Us See Your Hands
So I have been thinking on this whole flag burning issue and all the things it could imply. Now a lot of people right now are saying that there are more important issues at stake and something so trivial is a waste of time. Believing such is really losing sight of some very key changes happening in our nation right now. Being a strict conservative, and currently serving in Iraq, I was surprised to find that I am actually appalled that the House approved a ban on flag burning. (More...)
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)
