Build Date: Wed Jan 15 00:30:15 2025 UTC
KERRIST. THIS PLANET IS OVERDUE FOR A TOTAL WIPE.
-- Head Freezin' Gene
PIGDOG JOURNAL CHRISTMAS ESSAY CONTEST - 20TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION!
2017-12-15 22:29:39
Because Pigdog.org is entering OUR 20TH YEAR! And because the world is even MORE BATSHIT CRAZY than ever! We're announcing the glorious return of our most sacred tradition: the Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest.
We're OOZING CHRISTMAS and also FRIENDSHIP around here, with a warm fuzzy glow from the return of our regular krew of wacky contributors. Arkuat, Flesh, Baron Earl, Lenny Tuberose, and El Destino all turned up again on Pigdog Journal this year, bearing the gift of new stories -- just like WISE MEN who have TRAVELLED THROUGH TIME. And we also saw SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCES from Tricky Rick Moen, Thom 'Starky Stark', and even Splicer -- just like a JOYOUS HOLIDAY REUNION special.
Then the earth shook, stars sang in the sky, and it was time for the return of the Pigdog Christmas Essay contest. Started back in 1998 -- with a stunningly brutal essay about Santa's very bad night in Ontario, Canada -- these ambitious amateur essays have been tickling funny bones on the Innurnets for NEARLY TWO DECADES. I'd like to tell you it was all started in a manger in Bethlehem when there was no room in the inn. But it wasn't. We all just got really drunk together one night back in 1998 -- and now here we are.
The officially-official contest rules are as follows:
- Entries MUST be submitted to pig-edit-owner@lists.pigdog.org by Email/Internet Postal Delivery Service before December 24th, 2017.
- Entries can be ANY LENGTH, but all entries MUST BE WRITTEN IN ASCII text form. Any Word documents will be disposed of immediately! HTML is a big pile of crap. If you have some pictures of angels and teddy bears and Norman Rockwell Xmas families that should go with your essay, put them in your Special Wishing Place and wish real hard! And then don't send them to us. Just text. OK?
- All entries MUST nominally treat the chosen theme for this year's contest. (Revealed below!)
- The winner of the contest will be announced sometime on or after all the festivities on Xmas Day, Dec 25, 2017, after I get up and have some coffee and see what kind of delightful trinkets The Santy Claus brought me.
- Publication of your essay on the front page of Pigdog Journal, The Online Handbook of Bad People of the Future
- A box of luxurious beer-infused fudge from the Official Guinness Collection™ delivered directly to your home or business!
- A special surprise! Of the special and surprisey variety! If you know what I mean! And I think you do!
- Bring a pig AND a dog, and you'll win your own tavern secretly nestled among the hills of the snow-capped Ozarks!
But here's the most important part: the unveiling of this year's VERY SPECIAL THEME. To honor our 20th anniversary -- and to honor the return of our long-lost comrades into more BEER-FUELED FRIENDSHIP -- the theme of this year's Pigdog Christmas Essay Contest is:
- or -
"Life in the Resistance"
So get those pens and crayons out and START WRITING! Submit EARLY and submit OFTEN, because Christmas comes around but once a year. It'll be just like happy golden days of yore, when glasses of Guinness clinked together, as faithful friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more...
Join in the fun! Come one, and come all, ye faithful, to YE OLDE PIGDOG CHRISTMAS ESSAY contest.
We used to say we were bad people from the future. Now we've made it into the future, but the place is broken. And we're pissed.
It's time to let off some steam....
T O P S T O R I E S
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Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Last week I had eye surgery and it was certainly one of the least enjoyable episodes of my life. Eye Surgeons like their patients to be conscious enough so that they can move their eyes to the proper position during surgery. (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
