Build Date: Fri Oct 31 15:20:26 2025 UTC
Zach is happy and Zach doesn't worry about Alabama schoolgirls. That is because Zach has a secret - he drinks a lot and never leaves the house.
-- Johnnie Royale
Santa's 2001 Official FAA Flight Clearance
2001-12-17 15:50:43
As most people are aware, War against Terror and Drugs and other Bad things has resulted in a monumental shift in American security precautions as we now face the threat of military trials and executions for disobeying President Bush and Attorney General John Ashcroft. This heightened security also threatens to cancel Santa Claus' annual delivery of presents -- many people who are paid to worry about such things were concerned about just how much damage a sleigh filled with 50,000,000 toys could do if it missed a roof top and plowed into the side of a building.
Fortunately, the Grinch that is our Attorney General realized his cover as America's top lawyer would be blown if he cancelled Christmas before finishing the necessary steps in brainwashing the US population into believing that all "good" Americans should wear tracking collars, take weekly loyalty oaths and submit to random body cavity searches when using public transit or the Internet. To avoid public outcry, the administration has ordered the FAA to file a flight plan for Santa.
And I'm damn glad about that as I'm hoping that Santa finally comes through for me this year. I've asked for more civil liberties. However, based on the results of my previous requests for world peace and an unlimited supply of Danish vodka, I'm not very optimistic.
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