At first I thought it was a fake suicide note. "By
the time you read this, it's already too late. I'm in my car, or
perhaps I've already arrived at my destination; but at any rate,
I'm not here and won't be again." It's very real--but she only
killed her old self. The last entry in Kim Rollins' on-line
journal - - written November 12, but posted at 12:18 today --
tells us she's left her boyfriend of nine years, and headed
This may sound like idle gossip -- but every geek I
know had a major crush on Kim Rollins. Pigdoggers discovered
"For the longest time I couldn't get over a web page
by a woman named Kim Rollins..."
"I was really into Kim Rollins page too. I remember
when we all discovered it at Vivid."
"I have seen this many a time and remember her
Over the summer we bantered about her
"Kim Rollins is alive and well and posting on Usenet,
apparently. Our favorite web celebrity gave a very good answer
alt.wedding this April to the question of how to get out of
expensive gifts for new brides."
* I give them a card that says "a donation has been
made in your name to the Woodland Park Zoo," or some other
nonprofit organization. Of course, no such donation has been
made! Haw haw! I'm never spending a hard-earned dime on another
ungrateful bride again!
Kim actually wrote a wedding advice column--gently
deflecting the question of her own qualifications. But her life
is changing rapidly....
"Out of deference to Wil, I won't go into the details
of my leaving his household, his corporation, his arms. Yes,
is another man involved.... This boy and I have been doing this
strange dance forever, where he always assumed that I wouldn't
leave Wil. I always assumed that he wouldn't have me if I could.
I didn't know he was in love with me until two weeks ago. All he
had to do was say the word, and my heart was already with him."
The day has come. It's as simple as that.
"Everything in the house that I felt comfortable
calling 'mine' is in a box that I've tape-gunned shut.... For
those of you who have my Bryant phone number, the line will ring
and ring and I will never, ever be able to pick it up."
And the on-line journal? "I'm leaving the archived
entries up, where they will remain until the sysadmin here
to stop giving free web space to someone who walked off the job
with no notice and broke the boss's heart. They're not a true
picture of me; they're me with lipstick painted on in such a way
that my mouth always turns up at the corners. Look, I'm
smiling. But you can see me under the makeup, if you try."
She's also confides she's on "massive doses" of
anti-depressants. ("My medication has been changed or increased
four times over the last year.")
I browsed through my hard drive, and found files
where I'd save snatches from her web page, Kim offering her
comments on geek staple fantasies.
* The web ("This is my homepage. There are many like
it, but this one is mine. I must use my homepage to destroy the
enemy, who is trying to kill me.")
* The Disneyland Hotel. ("The Mickey
shampoo/conditioner did no conditioning to speak of and left me
dandruffy. The Mickey hand lotion made me peel like an oversized
* Disneyland's Tiki Room. ("The far corners of the
room -- past the crooning flowers where the light drops off --
reputedly a good place to snitch a lukewarm gin.")
Her journal was always darkly beautiful. One of
Kim's first entries was about the day her pet rat August died.
("The last time I held my rat was in Dr. Deeb's waiting room. I
kissed the top of August's head and whispered, 'I'm sorry. I'm
sorry. It's such a beautiful day.')
The journal's received it's last entry. "This would
have been a much more interesting journal if I'd been able to
you what's really been going on inside," she wrote -- "but I
didn't want to let anyone know how badly I wanted to escape until
I was sure I could go through with it."
"Five hundred people and I lied, if only by omission,
to you all, day after day.... If anything, I envied your
Ironically, the very first link is still "who ...am
I? (A primer to my charmed life.)"
As I read the journal Monday night, the links went
dead. Hitting re-load replaced the page with the "File Not