Build Date: Tue Feb 11 20:50:10 2025 UTC
I imagine I can last until the absinthe runs out; then, I'm afraid, I'll have to work.
-- HST
Shipley Misses Sex Less Than Expected
1998-11-22 11:44:00
Omni Development president Wil Shipley finds the most difficult part of his break-up with net-celebrity Kim Rollins is her unavailability for conversation. Shipley expressed surprise in an on-line essay. "I always assumed that the hardest thing would be the no sex...."
Day Five of Shipley's on-line journal sheds new light on his ongoing recovery process. Shipley also reports watching the new Star Wars trailer with "the guys" four times, once frame-by-frame. "[A]lthough sadness was always with me, I could feel other emotions as well. Oh thank god."
The ninth journal entry since Tuesday seems to indicate Shipley's condition has improved somewhat. "After being in hell, purgatory just seems so nice," Shipley writes. "Last night, just before I fell asleep, I could feel happiness waiting for me at the end of all this...."
"Of course, that may have been the Zoloft talking."
A doctor prescribed the anti-depressant for Shipley earlier this week -- and Shipley has noticed a tangible improvement in his mood. "I haven't had a real panic attack since yesterday at about 5 p.m., which is a record." Which he credits to Rollins' final departure, his resolution to be strong for her -- and Zoloft. Ms. Rollins made a final visit to retrieve her cat Friday evening at 10:30 p.m.
Still, Shipley notes that this new-found optimism has its limits. "If I think about forever without her, it's curl-up-in-a-fetal-ball-panting time." In fact, after taking a three-hour nap Saturday, the panic returned. "It's not fair -- there wasn't a catalyst, unless napping causes panic."
A supplemental paragraph on why "Panic sucks" is also included in the on-line journal -- along with memories of his years with Rollins. "[O]ne year she bought a pack of Lion King Valentine's cards and made them all out to me and scattered them around for me to find." Now Shipley faces a series of painful if-only's.
For example: "If only I had started this drug earlier, I wouldn't have been so bitter and scared of life and completely wrapped up in my own neurosis, and I could have been a real partner to her."
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
Negative Nancy, touring the gin joints of the world, sent us her latest Spocktail creation, The Inattentive Beachcomber, which she concocted and field tested somewhere in South East Asia. (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)