I've been in the news biz for many a year, my friend,
and I have to say that there is no SADDER SIGHT than
seeing the FIRE in a YOUNG JOURNALIST's
belly extinguished by the filthy lucre of R.U. Sirius. But
what can you say? Some of us have backbones, some of us
are men of honor, and others work for tabloid.net.
There once was a day when Tabloid.net was the PREMIERE SITE for Independent
Journalism and bold honest muckrakery on this Global World Wide Internet. They
took on the bitter ugly dregs of the news world with charming clarity and
TWO-FISTED chutzpah! They could wipe their ASS with a pansy-ass wannabe like
Matt Drudge.
The cool thing about their news coverage is that they didn't shy away from the
real issues. Like, they covered the CLUB MED RIOTS with sophisticated aplomb!
and they covered the riots in JAKARTA! -AND- they covered the South Africa
riots! Sure, that may seem like a lot of riot coverage, but why the hell not!?
Riots are COOL. Damn!
Tabloid.net also had some real ornery columnists like "Nitrane" Ken Layne, who
would write gripey constipated columns about how stupid everybody is and how
much he hated them all. That was great! I liked that part. I hate everybody,
too, so it was like they were singing my song.
T-dot-n even became something of a cause celebre last year when they sued
the bejeesus out of the Florida Orange Juice Bund. See, Tabloid.net had this
crazy talking ham sandwich as a mascot thingy, and then all of a sudden Florida
Orange Juice ALSO had a talking sandwich mascot thingy. Which, if you think
about it, is a STUPID mascot for orange juice. Like, HEY EINSTEIN, how about
using TALKING ORANGE JUICE instead? You're not the Florida HAM SANDWICH council,
dipshits. Fucking DUH.
Oh, but anyways, Tabloid.net SUED the Orange Juice Bund, but the Floridians
claimed that it was ridiculous, and that they would ever have even SEEN the
thing on tabloid.net, since tabloid.net was small and struggling and plucky and
obscure and shit. Then, in a spectacular coopy-day-gracie, the lawyers for
Tabloid.net producted the SERVER LOGS that showed hits from machines at
blah-blah-blah dot orange-juice-bund dot com! And they won the case, like it was
Perry Mason or something! Briliante!
I loved tabloid.net, DAMMIT! So why did they have to CHANGE? With the big
dollars they squeezed out of Florida Oranges, they could have continued
producing quality thought-provoking two-fisted journalism awd eenfineetoom. But
that is not the case at all.
Look at the tabloid.net site now! They no longer have original stories at all --
it's just links to their bogus freelance stories published in the
porn-and-wrestling magazine gettingit.com, run by the nefarious and
unpleasant R.U. SIRIUS. What the HELL is up with that? Why would they take
something as wonderful and interesting and fabuloso as tabloid.net and abandon
it in favor of something as blecherous and lowly as Getting It? For CRIMINY
SAKE, it's the R.U. SIRIUS MAGAZINE. Doesn't that say ENOUGH for you?!
I don't know what to say. Maybe there is no justice in the world, and crummy
R.U. Sirius magazines like Getting It will always win over hard-nosed reporting
like tabloid.net. But this I can assure you, loyal readers: Pigdog Journal will
NEVER sell out to R.U. Sirius! And not just because Getting It is running out of dollars.
No, it's because we have the NERVES of STEEL to stand up to Web entrepreneurs.
We've got a NOSE for NEWS that can't be bought by the likes of R.U. Sirius. No
SIR!
My advice to the former tabloid.net writers, when they wake up from the hangover
of riding the R.U. Sirius elevator to FLOOR ZERO in the LOSER BASEMENT? It's the
same advice I give to all over-the-hill journalists who traded their youth and
vigor for the cold pap of commerce:
"hey, FAT BOYS! Ha ha ha! You need to get HUNGRY again.
Lean and cruel, with one ear to the ground at all times, like a Real
Pigdog Journalist. Try rubbing down with gasoline and doing 200 pushups and 200
pullups twice a day. Get ANGRY! Drink straight Everclear! Learn a little
something about JOURNALISM and maybe someday we'll let you be our COPY BOYS.
Muahahahaha!"
