Build Date: Sat Sep 14 04:40:06 2024 UTC
Don't be dissin' on my wine, you potatoe drinkin' head-freezer.
-- Ratsnatcher
Two Giant Mounds of Crap Merge; Can Produce More Crap
2000-01-10 20:07:08
Yippity doo dah fuck! AOL and Time Warner, two of the world's largest producers of shoddy and biased information, today announced that they would merge together into one giganto-hugic mound of bullshit-producing crap. Look on, ye mighty, and despair!
This has got to be one of the sickest, most disgusting corporate mergers in the entire world of sick and disgusting corporate mergers. Time Warner is the throbbing venomous spider at the heart of a near-universal web of low-quality brain-sapping sell-o-tainment and jingoistic propaganda posing as news. Vile deceit and SACCHARINE DRECK ooze from Time Warner's many tentacles like so much TOXIC SLIME. They are a black fungus on the infosphere.
And AOL... well, FUCK! Everybody knows what kind of horrendous shove-it-down-your-throat eyeball pimp AOL is. They are the closed channel to end all closed channels -- the King Evil Bastardo Wholesaler of the entire so-called Global Internet. If AOL could ENFORCE by STATUTE the implantation of BUY BUTTONS in the brains of all Internet users, they would do it in an instant.
The fact that these two mega-whores can come together in unholy matrimony is a disgrace for our civilization. So-called analysts are already slobbering over the supposed "synergy" in this merger (jeez, what an affront to Bucky every time that word is used). They spin big ol' tales about how you could be watching CNN and then see a war in Slobovia and you could click the BUY BUTTON on your AOL whoozit and BUY SOME SLOBOVIAN REFUGEES. Or you could take a Sports Illustrated with an embedded "smart chip" and put it in your ASS and wave it over the computer and get STOCK PRICES read by STONE PHILIPS directly downloaded into your RECTUM. The possibilities are endless! Gar fucking GAR!
And who is to blame? Or, I mean, WHOM is to blame? There is nowhere to point the finger except at you and me, Mr. and Mrs. Internet. If we hadn't driven up the value of Internet stocks so high -- by working for Internet companies, by using the Internet, by making the Internet a household word -- a penny-ante hump-dog like AOL would NEVER have been able to mount a torpid, dripping megalocephalopod like Time-Warner. AOL used their VASTLY OVERVALUED corporate stock to buy Time Warner! Can you believe it!?
I'm sure this is going to give lots of other overvalued Internet companies some ideas. Like AOL, they can use their totally disproportionately-priced stocks to buy some companies that actually DO STUFF and MAKE MONEY. That way when the Internet bubble bursts, they can ditch their worthless .coms and live off of tractors and tobacco and stuff.
The time is not far when Yahoo! buys some boring old brick-and-mortar like GENERAL MOTORS. Or Lycos.com leverages their INFLATED JUNK STOCKS to purchase RJR-NABISCO! Man, what kind of SYNERGY will you have there! Woo-hoo! Put one of those "Smart Chips" Ahoy! in my ASS! I want to get some STOCK QUOTES.
Anyways, I'm a simple man, not prone to bouts of emotion. But of this I am certain: for the forseeable future, Pigdog Journal will continue to be the premiere INDEPENDENT source of NEWS and ENTERTAINMENT on the World Wide Fucking Web! When the whole world is owned by AOL-Time-RJR-Fuckerco, and you can't squeeze a packet down the trunk lines because of all the "Samantha the Teenage Witch" RERUNS streaming to the cortices of mind-controlled ICQ USERS, we will still bring you the news! I don't know how, but we'll do it -- of that you can be sure.
We don't need no stinkin' SYNERGY to do our jobs as JOURNALISTICAL PROFESSIONALS, delivering you the INFORMATION you need in a timely and thought-provoking manner. So, to AOL and Time Warner I say: go ahead and mate, you disgusting OVERSIZED SLUGS. We have more than enough salt for the both of you.
Beaujolais for independent content! Beaujolais for the MAMMALS of the WEB!
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
You need to make a fruity tropical drink and you have no recipe? Here's a mix recently tested by Pigdog's crack bevertology team that's made with ingredients available from most any grocery store. It tastes sweet, fruity, and is perfect for guzzling on the last hot days of summer. (More...)
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report? (More...)
Pigdog Journal's crack interview team gangs up on avant-garde Dutch musician SOLEX; bad craziness ensues. Yet another fabulous PIGDOG INTERVIEW. For REAL. (More...)
Datelined "Historic Mariposa," the fateful press release came in like an angry wind, announcing the release of a self-produced album, "Ordinary Hero," by occasional Pigdog contributor Thom Stark, in the language and tone of a Major Event, setting off a brief firestorm around the pigdog mailing list. (More...)
