Yippity doo dah fuck! AOL and Time Warner, two of the
world's largest producers of shoddy and biased information,
today announced that they would merge together into one
giganto-hugic mound of bullshit-producing crap. Look on, ye
mighty, and despair!
This has got to be one of the sickest, most disgusting corporate mergers in the
entire world of sick and disgusting corporate mergers. Time Warner is the
throbbing venomous spider at the heart of a near-universal web of low-quality
brain-sapping sell-o-tainment and jingoistic propaganda posing as news. Vile
deceit and SACCHARINE DRECK ooze from Time Warner's many tentacles like so much
TOXIC SLIME. They are a black fungus on the infosphere.
And AOL... well, FUCK! Everybody knows
what kind of horrendous shove-it-down-your-throat eyeball pimp AOL is. They are
the closed channel to end all closed channels -- the King Evil Bastardo
Wholesaler of the entire so-called Global Internet. If AOL could ENFORCE by
STATUTE the implantation of BUY BUTTONS in the brains of all Internet users,
they would do it in an instant.
The fact that these two mega-whores can come together in unholy matrimony is a
disgrace for our civilization. So-called analysts are already slobbering over
the supposed "synergy" in this merger (jeez, what an affront to Bucky every
time that word is used). They spin big ol' tales about how you could be
watching CNN and then see a war in Slobovia and you could click the BUY BUTTON
on your AOL whoozit and BUY SOME SLOBOVIAN REFUGEES. Or you could take a Sports
Illustrated with an embedded "smart chip" and put it in your ASS and wave it
over the computer and get STOCK PRICES read by STONE PHILIPS directly
downloaded into your RECTUM. The possibilities are endless! Gar fucking GAR!
And who is to blame? Or, I mean, WHOM is to blame? There is nowhere to point
the finger except at you and me, Mr. and Mrs. Internet. If we hadn't driven up
the value of Internet stocks so high -- by working for Internet companies, by
using the Internet, by making the Internet a household word -- a penny-ante
hump-dog like AOL would NEVER have been able to mount a torpid, dripping
megalocephalopod like Time-Warner. AOL used their VASTLY OVERVALUED corporate
stock to buy Time Warner! Can you believe it!?
I'm sure this is going to give lots of other overvalued Internet companies some
ideas. Like AOL, they can use their totally disproportionately-priced stocks to
buy some companies that actually DO STUFF and MAKE MONEY. That way when the
Internet bubble bursts, they can ditch their worthless .coms and live off of
tractors and tobacco and stuff.
The time is not far when Yahoo! buys some boring old brick-and-mortar like
GENERAL MOTORS. Or Lycos.com leverages their INFLATED JUNK STOCKS to purchase
RJR-NABISCO! Man, what kind of SYNERGY will you have there! Woo-hoo! Put one of
those "Smart Chips" Ahoy! in my ASS! I want to get some STOCK QUOTES.
Anyways, I'm a simple man, not prone to bouts of emotion. But of this I am
certain: for the forseeable future, Pigdog Journal will continue to be the
premiere INDEPENDENT source of NEWS and ENTERTAINMENT on the World Wide Fucking
Web! When the whole world is owned by AOL-Time-RJR-Fuckerco, and you can't
squeeze a packet down the trunk lines because of all the "Samantha the Teenage
Witch" RERUNS streaming to the cortices of mind-controlled ICQ USERS, we will
still bring you the news! I don't know how, but we'll do it -- of that you can
We don't need no stinkin' SYNERGY to do our jobs as JOURNALISTICAL
PROFESSIONALS, delivering you the INFORMATION you need in a timely and
thought-provoking manner. So, to AOL and Time Warner I say: go ahead and mate,
you disgusting OVERSIZED SLUGS. We have more than enough salt for the both of
Beaujolais for independent content! Beaujolais for the MAMMALS of the WEB!