Build Date: Mon Sep 9 09:30:11 2024 UTC
Religion is worse than TV.
-- Johnnie Royale
Get in Touch with Your Anger
2000-11-17 15:20:48
Who is America’s greatest writer? Is it Hunter Thompson? Mark Twain? How about Ed Anger?
If you’ve never heard of Mr. Anger, don’t feel bad. Most people haven’t. Ed Anger’s writing is found exclusively within the pages of the greatest tabloid of all time, The Weekly World News. His column, “My America” chronicles the life and opinions of the last red-blooded, hard drinking, meat-eating real American.
He’s a veteran of The Korean war with a metal plate in his head, a portrait of John Wayne in the den, an American flag flying from it’s pole in the front yard, and a wife in the kitchen - where she belongs. He rallies against the communist scum and weak willed, flag burning nancy-boys who want to undermine God’s favorite country, the U S of A, and all that it stands for. He doesn’t take lip from anyone. Here is a short excerpt from one of his many hundreds of thousands of rants…
I'm madder than a rooster in an alarm clock factory over the way my stupid neighbor treats his kids.
The nitwit has decided he doesn't want the little brats to watch TV, for Pete's sake! Now, I agree with him that some of the junk they try to pass off as entertainment these days is enough to make a grown man throw up.
But it's not the shows that my neighbor's whining about -- it's the commercials!
His attitude is totally un-American, if you ask me. Commercials are what makes our nation great.
Taken from Ed Anger’s column entitled ‘People Who Don’t Watch TV Commercials Are Pinko Commies!" courtesy, Weekly World News.
There are many long-time Anger readers who swear that because of the many years Ed has been writing, and the fact that there are no known photographs of Ed, that Ed isn’t real, that there have been many people over the years who have written under this pseudonym. I don’t believe this to be totally true. Instead, I believe he is the sum of a team of writers.
I take this point of view, because it really isn’t all that easy spewing boiling over-the-top reactionary writing for very long. I’ve tried following Ed’s writing formula. I could only keep it up for a handful of days, before pangs of guilt set in and all my friends were refusing to speak to me. I figure that in order to stave off these feelings of remorse that will eventually set in, a team of talented writers sit down every Monday, and pick a subject out of a hat. Whatever the subject, it’s assigned it to one writer. After a day or two, the person will begin to worry that somewhere in the world, someone may actually take the Ed Anger column seriously. At that point, another writer will jump in, picking up where the first has stopped. By the time deadline arrives, a brand-new Anger article has been produced.
In conclusion, I invite you to sit back, relax, put on a copy of John Wayne (the musical group from Texas, not the actor, but hey, if that floats your boat…) and enjoy the hard labor that goes into Ed’s column each week.
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland. (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
