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Get in Touch with Your Anger
2000-11-17 15:20:48


Net Flotsam
 
Fuck, now I'm drinking at work. This can't be any good, oh no.
-- Head Freezin' Gene

 

Who is Americaís greatest writer? Is it Hunter Thompson? Mark Twain? How about Ed Anger?

If youíve never heard of Mr. Anger, donít feel bad. Most people havenít. Ed Angerís writing is found exclusively within the pages of the greatest tabloid of all time, The Weekly World News. His column, ďMy AmericaĒ chronicles the life and opinions of the last red-blooded, hard drinking, meat-eating real American.

Heís a veteran of The Korean war with a metal plate in his head, a portrait of John Wayne in the den, an American flag flying from itís pole in the front yard, and a wife in the kitchen - where she belongs. He rallies against the communist scum and weak willed, flag burning nancy-boys who want to undermine Godís favorite country, the U S of A, and all that it stands for. He doesnít take lip from anyone. Here is a short excerpt from one of his many hundreds of thousands of rantsÖ

I'm madder than a rooster in an alarm clock factory over the way my stupid neighbor treats his kids.

The nitwit has decided he doesn't want the little brats to watch TV, for Pete's sake! Now, I agree with him that some of the junk they try to pass off as entertainment these days is enough to make a grown man throw up.

But it's not the shows that my neighbor's whining about -- it's the commercials!

His attitude is totally un-American, if you ask me. Commercials are what makes our nation great.

Taken from Ed Angerís column entitled ĎPeople Who Donít Watch TV Commercials Are Pinko Commies!" courtesy, Weekly World News.

There are many long-time Anger readers who swear that because of the many years Ed has been writing, and the fact that there are no known photographs of Ed, that Ed isnít real, that there have been many people over the years who have written under this pseudonym. I donít believe this to be totally true. Instead, I believe he is the sum of a team of writers.

I take this point of view, because it really isnít all that easy spewing boiling over-the-top reactionary writing for very long. Iíve tried following Edís writing formula. I could only keep it up for a handful of days, before pangs of guilt set in and all my friends were refusing to speak to me. I figure that in order to stave off these feelings of remorse that will eventually set in, a team of talented writers sit down every Monday, and pick a subject out of a hat. Whatever the subject, itís assigned it to one writer. After a day or two, the person will begin to worry that somewhere in the world, someone may actually take the Ed Anger column seriously. At that point, another writer will jump in, picking up where the first has stopped. By the time deadline arrives, a brand-new Anger article has been produced.

In conclusion, I invite you to sit back, relax, put on a copy of John Wayne (the musical group from Texas, not the actor, but hey, if that floats your boatÖ) and enjoy the hard labor that goes into Edís column each week.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

furry@pigdog.org


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