Build Date: Fri Mar 29 15:10:06 2024 UTC
I guess that leaves killing Hare Krishnas as the only vice I've got left. Funny, because no one's been on me to kick that habit.
-- Bill Hicks
Get in Touch with Your Anger
2000-11-17 15:20:48
Who is America’s greatest writer? Is it Hunter Thompson? Mark Twain? How about Ed Anger?
If you’ve never heard of Mr. Anger, don’t feel bad. Most people haven’t. Ed Anger’s writing is found exclusively within the pages of the greatest tabloid of all time, The Weekly World News. His column, “My America” chronicles the life and opinions of the last red-blooded, hard drinking, meat-eating real American.
He’s a veteran of The Korean war with a metal plate in his head, a portrait of John Wayne in the den, an American flag flying from it’s pole in the front yard, and a wife in the kitchen - where she belongs. He rallies against the communist scum and weak willed, flag burning nancy-boys who want to undermine God’s favorite country, the U S of A, and all that it stands for. He doesn’t take lip from anyone. Here is a short excerpt from one of his many hundreds of thousands of rants…
I'm madder than a rooster in an alarm clock factory over the way my stupid neighbor treats his kids.
The nitwit has decided he doesn't want the little brats to watch TV, for Pete's sake! Now, I agree with him that some of the junk they try to pass off as entertainment these days is enough to make a grown man throw up.
But it's not the shows that my neighbor's whining about -- it's the commercials!
His attitude is totally un-American, if you ask me. Commercials are what makes our nation great.
Taken from Ed Anger’s column entitled ‘People Who Don’t Watch TV Commercials Are Pinko Commies!" courtesy, Weekly World News.
There are many long-time Anger readers who swear that because of the many years Ed has been writing, and the fact that there are no known photographs of Ed, that Ed isn’t real, that there have been many people over the years who have written under this pseudonym. I don’t believe this to be totally true. Instead, I believe he is the sum of a team of writers.
I take this point of view, because it really isn’t all that easy spewing boiling over-the-top reactionary writing for very long. I’ve tried following Ed’s writing formula. I could only keep it up for a handful of days, before pangs of guilt set in and all my friends were refusing to speak to me. I figure that in order to stave off these feelings of remorse that will eventually set in, a team of talented writers sit down every Monday, and pick a subject out of a hat. Whatever the subject, it’s assigned it to one writer. After a day or two, the person will begin to worry that somewhere in the world, someone may actually take the Ed Anger column seriously. At that point, another writer will jump in, picking up where the first has stopped. By the time deadline arrives, a brand-new Anger article has been produced.
In conclusion, I invite you to sit back, relax, put on a copy of John Wayne (the musical group from Texas, not the actor, but hey, if that floats your boat…) and enjoy the hard labor that goes into Ed’s column each week.
T O P S T O R I E S
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
Health and Human Services officials spend a year on pot
After a yearlong, comprehensive, thorough, complete investigation into the effects of marijuana usage, Health and Human Services (HHS) officials recommended that it be moved from Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act to Schedule III, meaning that the HHS no longer considers cannabis to be a drug with high abuse potential and no medical value. (More...)
If you've ever wondered what actual bullshit looks like, just check the back side of Lee Meyers' decommissioned police cruiser. Lee chopped the top of the passenger side of the car off so he could take his full-grown Watusi bull, named Howdy Doody, for joy rides around his home town of Neligh, Nebraska. Since the car doesn't have bathroom facilities Howdy Doody just craps all over the back and side of the car whenever he feels the need to let one go. (More...)
Self-righteous assholes block highway to Burning Man
A group of self-righteous assholes converted exactly zero people to their cause by blocking the highway to Burning Man this week. The group, which used a flimsy trailer, some lengths of chain, and a few folding chairs to block the road, put up signs including "Burners of the World Unite," but none of the burners stopped in traffic wanted to unite with them for anything. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)
Johnny Royale loves his Trackman ultra pointer thingy. It's coolio! Read all about it! (More...)
Naked Australian Redhead -- Missing!
She posed naked on the web, fought for pornography online, and even kept an online "Diary of a Virtual Girlfriend." But after earning a place in internet history, Bernadette Taylor vanished without a trace. (More...)
It's winter in Idaho, and Boise personality "Lego-Man" reports on how he celebrated Thanksgiving. "I fed my wife, mother and sister wine slurpies!" (More...)
Clowns Take on God in Mysterious Annual Ceremony
Last Sunday's (the 6th) Grimaldi Service at a small church in East London was a red-letter day for clowns worldwide. About a hundred old-school red-nosed clowns made the sombre trip to darkest Dalston to pay their respects to clowns who died in the last year and to thank God for the gift of laughter in a bizarre ceremony presided over by the eccentric Reverend Clown Roly, resplendent in a garish red lumberjack shirt with oversized gold lapels. (More...)
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)