Build Date: Wed Feb 12 10:31:25 2025 UTC
All of the Hansons should be strapped into a Sod-O-Matic.
-- Head Freezin' Gene
Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain
2003-07-13 22:53:08
After a couple of weeks of tense negotiations between the Executive Branch of the United States Government, the CIA, the NSA, the SRO, the FBI, and multiple intelligence services of the DOD, it was revealed this weekend that the CIA would serve as the official scapegoat for the various intelligence "goofs" passed off as "facts" leading up to the invasion of Iraq.
Commenting on the decision to blame the CIA, a person on the phone claiming to be CIA Director George Tenet told Pigdog Journal that "People are comfortable with the idea of the CIA screwing things up. They're used to this idea. If we'd decided to blame the NRO, why, we would have had to spend a week just explaining what their initials stood for. With the CIA, that's not a problem. We're a household name. A known brand."
When asked whether President Bush and Vice President Cheney might have simply taken CIA reports that were highly speculative in nature, and simply attempted to pass them off as 100% Guaranteed True in the now infamous speech to the United Nations, the person that I'm 100% sure was George Tenet replied "No, that was Colin [Powell]'s job. There was no way we were going to give that job to Dubya. Bush might have let that smirk of his creep out of the side of his mouth while reading that report, and that would have given the whole game away. Powell can tell you part of the truth, make it sound like the whole truth, and never even blink. When we get together Saturday night for poker games in the Oval office, Powell cleans house. Bush will keep raising, hoping for an inside straight, and Powell just takes him to the cleaners."
"But then Bush just had to go telling that story about the uranium and the processing equipment, almost completely blowing the whole "plausible deniability" angle we like to use to keep the President Blame Free™. Once it got out that the story was a complete fabrication, we needed to find a scapegoat and fast. I'm downright proud to say that the CIA can serve the President in that capacity."
Tenet continued, "Sometimes you just have to tell comepletely outrageous lies to the public. That's the only way to get them to fall into line behind you. It's the only way you can really get your point across. You just have to get up, act as sincere as you possibly can, and just tell them a total whopper. Once you can fake sincerity, there is nothing holding you back."
When asked if he'd been drinking Tenent belched "OF COURSE I'VE BEEN DRINKING. If you had to take the blame every time that poker-losing SOB screwed up, YOU'D BE DRINKING TOO."
After that, all that could be heard on the line was the sound of faint sobbing. Then he hung up the phone and ended the interview.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
Johnny Royale loves his Trackman ultra pointer thingy. It's coolio! Read all about it! (More...)
Pigdog Journal's crack interview team gangs up on avant-garde Dutch musician SOLEX; bad craziness ensues. Yet another fabulous PIGDOG INTERVIEW. For REAL. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
